The reason that everyone knows this isn’t because I like telling people this, it’s because I’m compelled to tell people this. Mormons are indoctrinated, the GOP are indoctrinated, Texans are indoctrinated. We are indoctrinated with the idea that we are the best country in the whole world. Yes, I said country. Texas actually has a motto of, ‘It’s Like a Whole Other Country.’ The audacity of Texas never ceases to amaze me. And so, you all know I am from Texas.
I tell you all of this to say that I am back in Texas. It isn’t entirely against my will, but it certainly wasn’t my idea. And the reason that I told you the story above is to tell you that I never thought I would ever be here again. I would have sworn up and down on all that is holy that I would never come back to the state. And honestly, I have to say it’s still not my favorite place. But, here I am.
I will admit that having my family and friends close to me has been nice. It does keep me very busy and I feel a lot of love being back here. But let’s not take that admission as a sign of love of state. I do not love this state.
Houston has changed a lot since I lived here last; many, many years ago. The traffic is worse, obviously more people, it looks like it needs a good dunk in bleach, but I do sometimes pass by a place that I’ve been to many times and feel an instant warm familiarity. But I still can’t wrap my arms around the city that I grew up in.
I miss New York City and the bright lights, the never ending movement, the culture and the energy. I miss Phoenix for the ethereal beauty of the mountains, the neat clean lines of neighborhoods that all look the same, the vastness of it. Those places absolutely feel like my home.
But, here I am. In the vast metroplex of Houston, trying to find a place to nest, a place to fit into, a place to love. It’s difficult. I dream of packing everything in my car and driving somewhere else. Literally anywhere else. I think deep down inside of me I know that I can’t stay here. I don’t know why I can’t settle here, but I can’t.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this, probably just to put it down so I can see it in stark relief. Maybe I just have a wanderer soul. Maybe growing up wasn’t my favorite part of my existence and this is where I grew up. I don’t know, I miss every other place that I’ve ever lived, ever been, it always seems so much better than here.
I am here, it isn’t possible anymore for me to pick a place, pack my home, shove it all in a U-Haul and drive to the next destination. So, I guess it’s Houston for the moment until the urge to run becomes too great.
Hi, Texas. Let’s call a truce.
