This word, at this point in my life, evokes no emotion. I don't allow myself to feel it, to make others feel it, or to allow it to touch me or those around me. But, I was reminded today that some people don't care about the power that shame carries when you intentionally try to make someone feel it.
I got an email from a long lost friend and in that email he told me how he'd found me. That someone had sent him a nasty email about me. Someone that I'd trusted with information about me. And, really, if I am close to you, you will now everything about me. I am transparent and open in order to forge the kinds of relationships that I want and need in my life; the transparent and open kind, natch.
This person said bad things, pointed him to my site, etc. all in order to shame me.
First, in order to shame me I'd have to be embarrassed about the choice I've made to engage in this extracurricular activity. I'm not. Secondly, the person doing the shaming assumes that my values are the same as hers. Clearly they are not.
In her misguided attempt to make me feel bad and embarrassed, and failing, she came across as petty, mean and spiteful (to me anyway), and I wondered what her motivation was. Sort of. I really wondered for a moment what she gained from it, I mean, she could stand on the highest point on earth and shout the transgressions she thinks I've committed over a loud speaker to every human being that lives and I still wouldn't feel shame, but why? I don't have an answer to that question, and quite frankly I'm happy I don't. Because to understand why would mean I understood her and I can live without that kind of knowledge.
So, after spending all of 20 seconds pondering the hatefulness of this person I went back to my glorious life and left the momentary pity I felt for someone so vengeful behind. She no longer has any presence in my life in any way.
I say all that to say that what I do is not shameful, I love what I do. What you do with me is far from shameful. I think the intoxication of lust and all its manifestations are incredible and life affirming. When I share myself with you it is beautiful and OKAY. There is no shame in beauty. There just isn't.
Life is so short, so finite. As long as I know this and remember it then I will live my life in the way that brings me the most pleasure, the most joy and the most fulfillment. And right now, it's with you. So, let's feel some pleasure, what do you say?
