Apologizing

Isn't it such an agonizing thing to do? To say you made a mistake, you were wrong, you did it? Yes. Terribly so.

I used to have a difficult time apologizing. It was as though my insides were in a compactor being crushed to particles. I lost my breath, I literally would have to keep my face from contorting in pain from my nerves being twisted in a bunch. It was an ordeal, to say the least.

Now, I see that apologizing is a part of growing up, being an adult. I easily admit when I'm wrong, absolutely see where I made the mistake and I can look someone in the eye and, with all of the compassion I can muster, say 'I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.' Or, whatever. 'I'm sorry I was such a...yeah, you didn't deserve that.' I can say 'I was wrong' and believe it when I say it. 


Having learned how to do that helps me to live a more complete life. It's as though I went through the School of Life and passed another course. I'm slowly inching toward graduating to a more whole me. I can't wait to get that diploma (just kidding, I know I'll never graduate, I'll never be perfect, dammit).

New York City

Magical New York City. I lived there for a few years and fell in love, and then out of love, and now I just think of it longingly. But I won't have to think about it much because I'll be right in the middle of that madness again very soon.

Everyone should live in this place just once, for a time. While it's expensive, prohibitively so, the weather is torturous at times, and the people can be callous, insensitive and dismissive most days, it still IS the most fabulous place on earth. 

I remember living there and reveling in the energy and sparkle of the compact city with far too many people and cars than it could reasonably hold. I never lost the feeling that I was experiencing something most people just dream of. I was constantly in awe and aware that I was in the middle of the biggest thing I'd ever know in my lifetime.

I also experienced a deep, dark, paralyzing depression. When the snow started and the rain fell, my mood did as well. The noise of the city constantly reverberating in my head, both while awake and asleep, was enough to cause brief insanity. I had to leave or lose myself.

But, the things I felt when I was there, while I was feeling them, were life altering and I'm proud to say that I once lived in such a majestic city where anything you want can be found. Any kind of food, lover or adventure I wanted was just waiting for me to call it forth. I indulged mightily and I'm not sorry.

So, as I return to the place I have a burning love/hate relationship with, I'm happy to be able to take what I want and leave the rest, and I hope when I do that I, and the city, am richer for it. I'm almost positive we will be.

Running

Do you ever wonder why sitting in bed, eating cheetos and watching Survivor isn't a sport? I do. 

I've been training really hard (in my mind I'm killing myself, when in reality I probably look like I eat cheetos and watch television all day) and my body is really feeling the wear and tear. 

I ordered this THING, this styrofoam log, for lack of a better descriptor and it is a torture device. Kind of like the treadmill, free weights and shoes without support so I can 'feel.' Oh, please, I don't need all that to feel. I'm a chick, we FEEL everything. That's probably not what they meant. So...

I roll on this thing using the force of my own body weight to work out the kinks in my legs. Essentially, I'm forcing me to hurt myself. There has to be a group on the internet for this, I'm sure of it. It is so painful and breathtakingly so. Too bad you can't just order a masseur online and get them to come over and mold you back into shape GENTLY. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that training to run a race isn't as nice as going to Barbados and diving in clear blue water. Now THAT'S a sport! But, this sport? It's hard, difficult, painful and man, do I want to quit sometimes. But in the spirit of I'm-Not-A-Loser I keep going and going. That lung capacity thing is going to be the death of me, but it isn't taking me down without a fight!

I feel healthier, happier and energized. I feel like it's also helping transition to a new life, as though if I can do this, I can do anything! It's uplifting and motivating and my body is doing things I never in a million years thought it would be able to do. 

So now, when my sister says 'Uh, Nikki, there ARE people who shouldn't run, I think that's us,' I can look at her and say, 'Apparently NOT.'

FYI

All comments to this blog ARE moderated. That means I see everything that is written BEFORE it even hits my blog. If you try to post nasty things to my blog they will be deleted, so you know. Or, as you've already probably figured out.

So, to the person who keeps trying to post lunatic rantings on my blog, oh no, not this one. Take your crazy elsewhere. 

Thank you!

Be Nice

I'll tell you a story:


I was once a very unhappy person. I let little things get to me, my mind would constantly churn with all of the perceived wrongs in my life, people drove me crazy. I was always angry.

One day I decided that my stress levels were too high, I was making myself sick. I looked online to see what I could do to calm down. I found some amazing breathing exercises, some things I could do when I felt my blood pressure start to rise. And they worked! So, I started reading more. The funny thing is, I didn't realize I was so angry, I thought it was just stress. I didn't really know they could be the same thing. I was shocked and knew I had to change.

I took a course on anger management and it changed not only my outlook, but it essentially changed my life. Now, I'm not advocating that people do this, I'm just reporting my own personal story; there is nothing I'm preaching here.

Anyway. This world is crazy, but more importantly, nay, MOST importantly, it's finite. I remember this every day when I take those life giving breaths. It is not forever, but I'm thankful to have the ones I do while I do.

So, the thing I'm trying to say is. I've seen this thing I do that I used to love SO much become almost a chore. That is terrible. Every time I see someone I wonder what negative, belittling thing they'll say about me in reviews, how they'll disparage me with their numbers and I don't even want to go out.

This is supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be relaxing, enjoyable and, at least on my part, somewhat meaningful. Because I don't want to believe I do things that aren't meaningful. Especially something as important as sharing this important thing with someone else, but, it's getting harder and harder and I don't know why.

This isn't supposed to be that serious. It isn't supposed to damage good people. It's supposed to bring a little bit of joy and happiness for a short time. In a world full of anger and hatred, it should be an oasis. I don't want people to come see me if all they care about is the physical aspect. If you only care about looks and figures and you have a narrow view of beauty, we aren't a match. Not that I'm not sexy and beautiful, oh god, I am (heh), but I am a person with feelings, I am smart, funny and so enjoyable to be with. If that means nothing, if you only look for the physical release, keep going, I'm not your type.

Let's all be nice. Today may be all we have, don't we want to make it the best we can? I do. I'm going to always want that. And I will always value you, no matter what you look like or what we do together, I promise. I just ask that in return.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Race

My whole life has been one form of race or another. Race to the alter, race to buy a house, race to have children, race to divorce that...never mind. 

So, me starting to run seemed like a natural progression. Anyone that knows me knows that I have a hard time sitting still, it's not in me, I like to be moving. I enjoy the adrenaline rush, that high, when my outside body is in sync with my inside body. My heart racing, my breathing deep, my ass killing me. Oops, TMI. 

So, as usual for Ms. Overachiever, I decided after I began to run (and do it well) that I'd sign up for a 10K. Oh yeah. I'm going to do it in an hour and then I'm going to drink Las Vegas dry. Because I can't drink a drop before the race in March. Oh, I forgot to mention it was in less than 2 months? It is, it is. 

I'm very excited to be expanding my life is these wild and wonderful directions. Exercise never came easy to me because for most of my life I didn't have to worry about it. My metabolism kept my weight down regardless of what I ate. Wow, do I miss those days. So, now I'm at the gym 5 days a week and, while it gives me untold energy, my eating habits keep my ass the same size. Yeah, the ass you love and know. You better enjoy it while you can because it's shrinking fast. Alaska becomes Rhode Island, if you know what I mean.

So, I start hard training tomorrow and with one day off for rest, I'm going to be crying on here like you just told me I couldn't shoe shop anymore. YOU WILL LOVE IT. 

I'm going to go eat a deep dish pizza with a side of Chimay 12 pack now. Wish me luck and look for the new and improved ass coming soon!