There is such a fine line that I walk when it comes to my relationships with my friends in this business. On one hand I enjoy the company very much, on the other hand it's hard to say where to draw the line between my personal self and my professional self and it's beginning to be cause for reflection on what I want and need and what I'm able to give.
I am who you see. There is nothing fabricated about me except the 'Nikki Irish' persona, and even that is 99% authentic. I am Irish, my nickname is Nikki, etc. I try to stick as close to my authentic self as possible without giving away my personal information because authenticity is important to me. You won't ever see me staring off into space wondering what color I want my nails at my next manicure. I am present and I am real.
The problem comes in when I don't draw the line between the fantasy we share and my real life. I am truly interested in my friend's lives. I do enjoy hearing from you and knowing you're thinking about me. But with some there is a paradigm shift that occurs that sometimes I feel helpless to prevent and this is where the 'fine line' comes into play.
That is because being Southern means that I'm a giver. We are, by our nature, nurturers. At least that's the way I was raised. I was taught that it's impolite to assert yourself or express your feelings. As much as I'm very proud of my heritage, sometimes it fails me. I am working on evolving every day (as expressed in the blog prior to this one) and trying to be my best self without compromising my oh so important client/provider relationships or myself in the process. That has been very difficult.
The black and white of this is that this is a profession that I've chosen. As a Type B personality it suits me to a 'T.' I am afforded the privilege of having an immense amount of fun with a really hot physical twist while earning a living doing it. There is nothing I'm more suited for. I'm also an empathetic, engaged partner truly interested in who you are and focused on our dynamic together. I am this way with anything I do.
Having said that I am also very discreet. I don't contact anyone unless I am specifically asked to do that by way of mailing list or an email to me that asks for a response. I would never, nor have I ever, initiated unwanted contact. I consider my integrity about this to be unimpeachable.
I enjoy the occasional email from you, though, or text saying that I'm thought of. I love the little notes that show I'm on your radar and you think of me. I much prefer sexy notes to 'love' ones (we all know I am not ever going to move into the place of 'significant other' so we should keep those to a bare minimum, also known as rarely-if-ever).
I want this to be a fantasy. I don't want to replace anyone, I don't want to intrude on your life. I want to be this happy, sexy place you come to when the world stresses you out, when you need to breathe in something sweet and sensual, when you want to get away from it all. And not to dampen all the hot talk about our bodies and what happens when they 'collide,' but there is a value to that.
So, I suppose this is where I set the parameters of our relationship and then we go back to our incredibly, mutually beneficial relationship. Fun!
I will explain this as delicately as possible: my time is incredibly important to me. I mean, really important. I understand how finite it is and I value it deeply. That being said, when I am not with you I will always have time for a short, sexy note back to you. Always. I will always respond to you in caring and interested ways within reason. I will text you and I will be available to you within reason. I will take your phone calls with advance notice and speak to you for short periods of time within reason. In return I must see you, spend time with you and maintain a relationship that is beneficial to me. While I love hearing from you this is still a relationship built on a certain agreement; we must always respect that.
I, in return, respect you and your desire to be with me and that sometimes your attraction steps outside the bounds of the normal relationship that we have entered into, and it flatters me greatly. Thank you. I am so grateful for your time and attention, you make doing this so incredible. There is the unfortunate place, however, where I need reciprocation. I am sure you understand.
I apologize to anyone I have offended. We have appreciated each other's company and have had so many good times; I don't want to negate that. I just need to be a little more aware of how much time I spend on myself from now on. I appreciate your understanding more that I can ever say.
