Guidelines

I have to preface this post by saying that a majority of the people I see do NOT need this list. This is for those that do. 

Also, whatever I ask of you applies to me as well. 

1. Please be prompt. While I understand traffic in NYC is hell, you understand that, too. The excitement I feel at seeing you drops in proportion to the minutes you are late and that's not good for anyone. 

2. Please do not discuss anything related to donation/money with me. I don't even want to hear about your lotto win. (send me a ticket to Tahiti with you and we can discuss it then)

3. There will never in a million years be a time when I am not completely and totally rabid about my sexual health. Compromising that in any way will be grounds for me screaming at you and kicking you out. Embarrassing.

4. Please keep what is said in our meeting between us. You won't get an amazing amount of personal information out of me, but what you do get should be held in the strictest of confidence. The information you give me is not mine to share, I need you to feel the same way. No one likes a gossip. 

5. If you tell me personal information about someone else and I haven't been able to stop you from doing so? I will tell that person you did it and you will most likely fall out of their good graces. While it may be impressive to you that you are 'good friends' with someone in this business, that means keeping personal information about them to yourself. Or, you need to look up the term 'friendship' in the dictionary.

6. Please, for the love of all that is holy, be considerate of my time. I understand that it's very impersonal of me to ask this and I certainly don't bring the coldness this sounds like to our meeting, but my time is vitally important to me. I love my time, I love that I have reserved some of it for you, but it is still MINE. I will never do anything to misuse yours I would love that same respect. This means you being cognizant of my time. Especially when I mention that I need to get going and that doesn't make an alarm bell go off. Ahem.

7. Be aware of every one of the things I require in order to meet. That means cancellation policies, etc. Nothing I have written is arbitrary. It all has purpose and meaning. I wrote it because I meant it. That means if something happens that is out of your control and you can't meet? Cancellation policy is still in effect. I would love to be lenient about this, but the sad truth is that sometimes it's hard to know who is and who isn't being honest and I don't have time to debate it. And I usually have time to debate most things. Like how Trump made it this far, but I digress. 

8. Please look over my website. I didn't spend money and time and a lot of thought making this as succinct and informative as possible just for you to write me an email like the site doesn't even exist. That's also mind blowing, for the record. 

9. Please come to me fresh and clean and smelling pretty. There is nothing I appreciate more than a man who smells good. I mean, it seriously turns me on. Like the way not being clean turns me off. So, there's that. 

10. Please have fun with me, don't be nervous, be open, be prepared for pleasure. I won't cross lines of decency, but I will get right up to them. Please, though, do respect that I don't do some things. No matter how good you've been told you are at them. Ever. I am positive you are the consummate lover, but we are all made beautifully different. I will respect that about you if you will about me. And I will most definitely appreciate everything about you that turns me on, which is most things, except like gum chewing and GOSSIP. OMG.

Thank you for reading, you've been a sexy and captive audience. I hope that with these little guidelines we can continue on our journey of pleasure. Now get out. 

(Hee hee, just kidding)

European Musings

I woke up in my bed this morning and still can't believe that yesterday I was in Brussels eating the finest chocolate I've ever tasted in my life and today I woke up in another of the world's greatest cities, New York, my home.

Instead of feeling sad, I feel awash in gratitude that this is my life and it is beautiful. 

But, I really wanted to jot down observations of my trip to seven of the world's greatest countries, mostly for myself, but maybe you'll like them too.

So, let's go then, yes?

(A disclaimer: these won't be in the order I visited these countries in, that would be as follows: Turkey, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Czech Republic, Switzerland, France)

To begin, the autobahn isn't what you think it is. It's really just a two (sometimes three) lane highway with no speed limit that runs throughout most of Germany. In Europe the left lane is the passing lane and no one stays in in for long. That would be great, except for the cars who drive slowly while passing making the autobahn almost useless for non-stop speeding. I WISH. I will say I did drive at 125 (or about 200 kmph) for a few minutes and it was awesome. I just wish I'd had something faster than a stupid BMW SUV. Boo. 

People in other countries do not hate Americans, they do not care what you wear and will never be rude. This was a concern of mine as I wanted to fit in and not stand out like a 'stupid American,' but my fears were completely unfounded. Everyone I met was incredibly kind and helpful. I didn't have one negative experience with anyone. My American/Southern accent either fascinated or bewildered them, but it never offended. 

Istanbul is very much a city that I felt the least affection for. The Grand Bazaar is really just like a huge flea market where very little is authentic. It was my greatest disappointment. The mosques and other sights were interesting and beautiful, but I was accosted regularly about buying something or seeing something, etc. I felt a little disrespected as a woman, but had an amazing conversation with my cab driver through our mutual translation programs. Too fun! 

Zurich was gorgeous, but I feel disconnected from it. I'm not sure why. It was beautiful, the people friendly and the city mesmerizing, but I just felt unattached to it. They even charged me 40€ for the pleasure of driving on their roads, maybe that was it. Very friendly people, so kind. I really enjoyed that.

I was warned against visiting Luxembourg, but went away. I wish I'd listened. It was described to me as a soul-less city and that's as accurate as I can describe. It seemed to lack warmth or any sort of vibrancy that the other cities had. It was very historical, the buildings were impressive and there seemed to be a lot of movement around the city, but it just felt blah to me. I won't return, but it was nice to say I've been.

I visited both Heidelberg and Munich on my trip to Germany. Heidelberg was so beautiful that it seemed like it was pulled from the pages of a fairy tale. It was just a stunning, stunning city. This, though, was one of the only countries where it was difficult to find English speakers. That made it harder, obviously, but not impossible. The food here was amazing and the hotel I stayed in was just indescribable. The castle was amazing and the river and bridges were just beautiful. It's hard to put into words how much I loved this city. It was perfection.

Munich on the other hand literally freaked me out. I drove in and the city was just crawling with people. I mean, EVERYWHERE. My sister reminded me that I lived in NYC and I reminded her that I didn't care, I was freaked out. I felt surrounded and just not happy here. The men are also incredibly forward and I felt completely unsafe. I wouldn't come back here even as kind of cool as it is. It was just too much. 

Prague. How do I even begin to describe how much I love the Czech Republic? I drove into the country from Germany on an overcast day and it felt exactly like I was driving into a Cold War country. I don't know how else to describe it. It wasn't that I was driving into an industrial city, it just felt that way. Just very cold and a little scary. To make matters worse I had a flat (not bad, I had BMW run-flat tires) and in a seemingly desolate area. I just took an exit and drove. I found a gas station but the air station wasn't working. I was beginning to freak out because these people seriously do not speak English on any level. 

I pulled out from the gas station drove about a mile, turned a corner and there was a tire shop! It was amazing (and confirms the super charmed life I live)! They at first said they couldn't fix it, but thanks to my translation program (and Peter's - my future ex-Czech husband) I told him I would cry and he got it all fixed. This was the first person I'd seen on my trip that I was seriously attracted to. He was kind and the hottest man I'd seen in Europe yet. It was everything I could do to not stab my other tires with a knife. He was gorgeous! If he'd spoken English I'm pretty sure we would have been in bed together that very night. Damn language barrier!

Moving on to my actual visit to Prague. 

This city defies explanation. There is nothing in my ability to use language effectively that can even come close to telling you about this magical city. It is beautiful, the people so incredibly welcoming and friendly and you can get whatever you need for next to nothing. It was by far the least expensive city I visited. I lived like a rock star here on pennies. Never mind that, the river, the bridge, the architecture, the people, the food, the shopping, everything was so perfect. I could have stayed here forever. It will always be one of my favorite places. 

Paris. What can you say about Paris that hasn't been said and isn't absolutely true? I liken it to a more fashionable, fun NYC. It reminded me completely of the city I live in, but with the amazing Eiffel Tower! Although, going up in it just reminded me of the ESB. Yikes. 

The food here was incredible! WOW! I loved eating in Europe and it will take about a month to lose all the carb weight (I'm looking at you pan au chocolate, croissants, french bread and butter!), but it was so hard not to! 

I also loved the people. My sister, a former Euro-living American, scared me senseless about the people, but she's just crazy. They didn't care what I wore, didn't care that I butchered their language with my remedial high school French pronunciations, that I had no idea what I was ordering when I ordered it. They accepted me as I was and it was incredible! I will never, ever forget the feeling I got of looking up and seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time, ever. It was amazing. It wasn't my favorite city, but I understand its power. 

I'm saving my favorites for last. 

Belgium. I loved, loved, loved Prague, but Ghent, Belgium stole my heart. This was a day trip to my regret because I could have stayed here for a week. This city brought me the most peace and the place where I felt just calm and centered. I just wandered and wandered and found the most beautiful churches, the friendliest people and I just felt so good here. It was magical. I don't have any experiences to speak of from here, it was just the whole feeling I got from being in this city. Just amazing. 

Ghent has to share my heart with Colmar, France. This was a place I decided on because it was halfway between Zurich, where I had been, and Brussels where I was going. The drive was too long so I needed to spend the night in between and as luck would have it, I chose Colmar. 

THIS was my first taste of France and it was, like Ghent, just beyond description. The people, the food, the churches and houses that looked like gingerbread lived in them, Little Venice and beyond just wowed me from the beginning. It was a city I regretted not staying longer in. I almost, almost did, but I'm glad I carried on because I got to see Paris and fall even more in love with France. If you ever get to that country visit Colmar, you won't be disappointed. 

This trip didn't start out as one of a lifetime. I really just wanted to revisit Europe, but it became something life changing. I felt empowered by choosing my own way, by navigating some of the most challenging places I'd been, I felt beautiful and free and independent and I now feel like I have some of the most incredible experiences to add to the already pretty incredible experiences I've had.

I love Europe and I'll go back soon. It was AMAZING!

25 Things

1. I can't sleep with covers over my head

2. I fear very little

3. I am surprisingly not clumsy, I rarely fall or trip

4. I have driven cross country four times by myself

5. I thrive on exploration of anything

6. I love to sleep abnormal amounts if I can get by with it

7. I'm actually much more athletic than I seem

8. I love to dance (club)

9. I can drive 12 hours at a time, if not more

10. I once drove the prettiest dark purple car; it's my favorite color

11. I have lived in 13 states

12. I love clean sheets. No, like, REALLY love them

13. I can cook almost any dessert 

14. I love John Denver and know all the words to his songs

15. I rarely watch television

16. I dislike any color but brown (or variation thereof) in my house (so weird!)

17. I feel most at peace on my road bike (bicycle)

18. I feel most powerful on my road bike or exercising

19. I speak sarcasm fluently (especially with my sister)

20. If you do not love animals we probably shouldn't be friends

21. I love outspoken people who tell me how they're feeling

22. I love the deep emotion that comes from loving someone (whomever)

23. I have made the best friends of my life in NYC

24. I live every day of my life for two certain people, I would die for them

25. I am most definitely a Libra (look it up)

Reputation

I don't get pissed off very often in this business; I find a lot of contentment here, but when it comes to questioning my character I get really upset.

I have worked very hard to maintain an excellent reputation. My reviews are evidence of that. I play fair and by the rules each and every time because this is, despite being incredibly fun, my work (I obviously use that term loosely) and I take it very seriously. 

So when I am confronted with a client that has gone over the line of decency and respect, I deal with that in ways that are clearly outlined. I have no desire to be vengeful, I don't live my life that way on any level. I'm a kind, giving person and most people appreciate that, but if you abuse that I will respond to that appropriately.

I have a 'blacklist' policy. I use it sparingly and for only the most egregious of offenses (as I say on my site). It is a necessary tool for women to keep us 1) safe, and 2) to stay notified of the worst of problem clients. 

Men have the same reporting standards. They have a board where they are free to tell other men about the bad experiences they've had. It seems a double standard to cry 'no fair' when the reverse is true. 

Once, I had a terrible client who abused my time and my intelligence. I can deal with insulting my intelligence, I have that to spare, but time is something that is invaluable to me. I blacklisted him because he absolutely deserved it and backlash followed. 

When you jump on the bandwagon of someone this has happened to you are saying that my reputation is not impeccable, that my words are lies and that I am untrustworthy. That I have not performed due diligence and made sure that this act was intentional, that I just throw around that penalty as though I am not conscientious about my actions. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I'm sure you could say the same thing about the client and I will just repeat that I do everything possible to make sure that what I am hearing and reading is the truth. We all know when we hear the truth and when we don't. If there is ever a doubt in my mind at all I choose to err on the side of caution. I would never default to destroying a person's reputation I assure you.

So, if you have heard anything negative about me and a client just know that I have done everything possible to assure a positive, meaningful interaction. If it goes another way I will do everything I can to repair the damage or to mitigate it. I'm sorry if there is fallout from that, please be aware I never intend that. 

Now everyone who has been wasting my time can get back to the business of living their incredibly short life in the never-ending sunshine of Arizona. PLEASE. 

Thanks for reading.