The Giving Season

That title isn't hyperbole, you really did give this season. And give and give and give. 

If you could see my overflowing gratitude, the way my heart expanded, the joy I felt from your generosity, it would possibly overwhelm you. The good news is, I can tell you about that. How amazing I've seen the human spirit be, how gracious and lionhearted and unhesitating you were when I asked for your help. You gave heroically. (Nor is this hyperbole)

What you can't see was the hardened little girl who was so bitter at losing her mother to drugs, who was forced into a shelter and was so unhappy at her core because of that. You also missed the way her face lit up when I gave her the shoes she asked for, the ones you bought for her. The ones that glowed in the dark. You missed the moment she put them on and the way for a small moment that anger melted away and underneath the happy little girl she was meant to be came out. I'm sorry I couldn't capture that for you, it was divine. 

You also couldn't see the grateful faces at the outreach center who got new, warm blankets that you provided. How they got clean, new socks and toiletries to bring them closer to feeling human again. How those small things bring happiness. I wish I could bottle that up and give it to you in return for the gift you gave them. 

You missed the boys playing with new basketballs and girls coloring in beautiful new coloring books with brand new crayons and markers. How dedicated they were to painting their sun catchers and proclaiming they were going to hang it on the wall of their cubicals. How they painted and mixed colors and used their vivid childish imaginations to bring to life dogs and houses and Christmas trees. How they furrowed their brows as though that face would keep the color between the lines. They were children allowed to act like children without the environment reminding them that this wasn't the normal they should have. Your art supplies carried them away from the shelter if only for a couple of hours. I wish the picture that I've painted could show you the meaning you brought to them. 

With all your donations you restored some dignity, you've contributed to the betterment of people you don't even know, nor will ever meet, you've made lives richer. That's so commendable that I am strangely at a loss for words.

I argue against the idea that you can't help the poor, the unemployed, the homeless. That what you do isn't enough. What you did was enough, it was phenomenal. Thank you. 

(I'll also use this as a platform to extoll the virtues of volunteering: if you ever need a way to fill your heart and soul, give back. Give your time, give your money, give something of yourself. The appreciation you get back will expand your spirit and your consciousness and it will be euphoric. I promise.)

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my eternally grateful heart. I am in awe of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

'Tis the Season

Every year since I began doing this I've held pretty successful food drives at Christmas time. I also donated time and toiletries from my travels to Ronald McDonald House and I thought it was enough, I had done my part. 

I was wrong.

Recently I got involved in a very cool thing that involved charity as well as other things like sports, hobbies, etc. I signed up for a few things, but have traveled so much I hadn't really actively participated. That recently changed. 

I offered to be a part of a really important (I didn't know how important at the time) thing that has really changed my outlook. I think I've always had compassion for people, but if I were to be honest I'd say it wasn't to the level that caused me to go out and try to change circumstances. Well, I'm done with that way of living. 

I refuse to stand on the peripheral and look in at the suffering of the people that I share this earth with any longer. There is so much sadness and pain that could easily be alleviated by just giving a little bit. Listen, I'm not going to be nominated for sainthood anytime soon, but I know, I KNOW, that I can make a difference, even if it's minuscule to those who judge these things. 

So, having said that, I'm starting to offer incredible deductions for those who help me in this endeavor. This is an endeavor I could surely manage alone, but in seeing me I'll help us to help others and I'll be eternally grateful to you. 

I know that some that I see are travelers and I would be happy to take any donation you give me and buy needed supplies and email you a receipt. If you're near me I would love to have clothes, toys, art supplies, sporting equipment, etc. Nothing has to be new. There is so much appreciation for anything you can do. In return I'll make it so worth your while. Heh. 

Please join me in making this holiday season better for someone else who can't make it better for themselves. Then we'll share some joy together. 

Happy Holidays.

Travel

I just returned from Alaska and I'm so happy to be home. It's nice to be in the sunshine and warmth again.

While there I celebrated the fact that I have now visited all 50 states. While I'm very proud of that fact, I've traveled so much and for so long that it was just like, 'well, of course.' 

I understand what it means, I know that most people will never visit all of the states in our country, but this is how I was raised so I didn't treat it as a goal. As a matter of fact, it just sort of surprised me one day: 'Oh, I guess I just have Alaska to visit and I'll have seen all of the states' kind of thing. 

On my trip this summer with my nieces I visited eight states in a week's period. I really wanted to share the love of travel with them like it was shared with me. So, this is what I do, this is who I am. 

But let me tell you, the awe I feel when I see something beautiful never, ever changes. I cried when I saw the Grand Tetons (and will every time I see them, and have - this was my second time), I cried when I was standing in the Narrows of Zion, and I cried when I saw Denali (also known as Mt. McKinley to those outside of Alaska - I prefer its native name).

The beauty of nature never, ever ceases to amaze me. It is what propels me forward to the next great beautiful place in this world and it gives my life meaning. 

My father and grandmother were the greatest influences toward that. They both took me places, showed me things and taught me that the world was bigger than Texas (I'm so glad they did, Texas would have never taught me that). My father said 'go waitress in Hawaii, you'll make money and see gorgeous things' (and also, 'turn that TV off and read this book' - thanks, Papa, I did). My grandmother didn't say as much, she just took me to surrounding states and promised I'd never forget what I saw. She was right. She told me, 'whatever you do, go to Alaska, you won't regret it.' She was right again. 

Now the only thing I know is that I wish I had them both to share all this with. I know they would be so proud. 

I'm proud. I'm thrilled to be in an exclusive club that not many people belong to. Most importantly, I am continuing the legacy that my family before me started and can pass on to the family I have now. I hope they love exploring this beautiful world as much as I have. I'm going to try and make sure they do. 

Go travel, it opens your mind and soul. There isn't much like it that compares. I'll be going somewhere again soon, you can believe that!

Compatibility

I continually strive to give the people who want to see me a view of who I am. I have reviews, I tweet, I write in this blog; I really want you to see me as much as is allowed without crossing privacy boundaries (that's a totally different issue). 

I do this for a reason: the more you can see of me, the more you will know if our time together will be spectacular. It's nothing less than what I want for us so I use every tool at my disposal to help facilitate this. 

It would be very difficult for you, with all the information out there, to make an uninformed decision about whether I'm right for you or not. Yes, there is the chance that chemistry won't happen for one reason or another, but it won't be for lack of information. 

Having said all that, I'm sometimes baffled at people who come to see me who want the exact opposite of what I offer. 

I am a sensual, open minded, happy person. I strive to make a connection in the short time we're together. I want being with me to produce a shock to your system. A momentary respite from your regular world. i want to be memorable; I want us to be memorable. We never have to touch again, but while we are touching I want it to be electrifying. And I want it to feel like us being together is the most natural thing in the world. And I take care of that with my openness and warmness and my very welcoming invitation for you to come with me to my world for a little while. You will drop your guard with me very quickly. 

So when I meet someone who has difficulty relaxing, who wants the meeting to be guided by their own personal experiences instead of seeing this as a whole new one, who wants to keep a wedge between us, I internally bristle, but carry on. We are not compatible and I want to say that, but I hate not being able to at least give the person who thought enough of me to come see me some sort of experience. Even if it is a closed off, rigidly guided replication of every experience they've ever had before. I then feel required (I hate feeling required) to carry on. 

This is not a normal experience with me. I see you, I feel the vibe between us, I move in to feel you, to taste you. And, while I do direct most of the time, it's generally only in a direction I see that you're willing to go. I'm very flexible and easy to flow with. But I want it to flow. 

Please be mindful of the kind of experience you want to have using the abundance of information I have given you so that our experience together is amazing and memorable. I love achieving that with you. 

Gratitude

In general I'm a very grateful person. I appreciate things that people do for me and I generally try to reciprocate, but how do I do that when so many people made me feel so incredibly special?

I don't know, but I'll try.

I've been doing this thing I love for awhile now and I have seen generosity abound. I am so warmed by it. From food donations at Christmas to my favorite food bank, to gifts that took my breath away. This, though, this collective show of support has made me see this in a new light. 

Sometimes when you do this, because it can be so hard (rewarding is for another blog) that you lose faith in humanity (fake reviews, ahem, fear of LOTS of things, losing things you love, etc.) it can take a toll on your outlook. But then you all come together and you show me that I am okay, that I am important and that what I do is good then my heart overflows with such joy that words don't do it justice.

Thank you for the support. Thank you for seeing me as beautiful. Thank you for voting when it got tedious (I'm sure it did). Thank you for putting up with my begging. 

Most of all, thank you for all your hard work and effort to make me Ms. TER. The benefits have been incredible for me and I want you to know that I appreciate your involvement, your help, but most of all because you believed that I deserved it. 

Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Shame

This word, at this point in my life, evokes no emotion. I don't allow myself to feel it, to make others feel it, or to allow it to touch me or those around me. But, I was reminded today that some people don't care about the power that shame carries when you intentionally try to make someone feel it.

I got an email from a long lost friend and in that email he told me how he'd found me. That someone had sent him a nasty email about me. Someone that I'd trusted with information about me. And, really, if I am close to you, you will now everything about me. I am transparent and open in order to forge the kinds of relationships that I want and need in my life; the transparent and open kind, of course. 

This person said bad things, pointed him to my site, etc. all in order to shame me. 

First, in order to shame me I'd have to be embarrassed about the choice I've made to engage in this extracurricular activity. I'm not. Secondly, the person doing the shaming assumes that my values are the same as hers. Clearly they are not. 

In her misguided attempt to make me feel bad and embarrassed, and failing, she came across as petty, mean and spiteful (to me anyway), and I wondered what her motivation was. Sort of. I really wondered for a moment what she gained from it, I mean, she could stand on the highest point on earth and shout the transgressions she thinks I've committed over a loud speaker to every human being that lives and I still wouldn't feel shame, but why? I don't have an answer to that question, and quite frankly I'm happy I don't. Because to understand why would mean I understood her and I can live without that kind of knowledge.

So, after spending all of 20 seconds pondering the hatefulness of this person I went back to my glorious life and left the momentary pity I felt for someone so vengeful behind. She no longer has any presence in my life in any way.


I say all that to say that what I do is not shameful, I love what I do. What you do with me is far from shameful. I think the intoxication of lust and all its manifestations are incredible and life affirming. When I share myself with you it is beautiful and OKAY. There is no shame in beauty. There just isn't.

Life is so short, so finite. As long as I know this and remember it then I will live my life in the way that brings me the most pleasure, the most joy and the most fulfillment. And right now, it's this. 

Fine Line

There is such a fine line that I walk when it comes to my relationships with my friends in this business. On one hand I enjoy the company very much, on the other hand it's hard to say where to draw the line between my personal self and my professional self and it's beginning to be cause for reflection on what I want and need and what I'm able to give.

I am who you see. There is nothing fabricated about me except the 'Nikki Irish' persona, and even that is 99% authentic. I am Irish, etc. I try to stick as close to my authentic self as possible without giving away my personal information because authenticity is important to me. You won't ever see me staring off into space wondering what color I want my nails at my next manicure. I am present and I am real. 

The problem comes in when I don't draw the line between the fantasy we share and my real life. I am truly interested in my friend's lives. I do enjoy hearing from you and knowing you're thinking about me. But with some there is a paradigm shift that occurs that sometimes I feel helpless to prevent and this is where the 'fine line' comes into play.

That is because being Southern means that I'm a giver. We are, by our nature, nurturers. At least that's the way I was raised. I was taught that it's impolite to assert yourself or express your feelings. As much as I'm very proud of my heritage, sometimes it fails me. I am working on evolving every day (as expressed in the blog prior to this one) and trying to be my best self without compromising my oh so important client/provider relationships or myself in the process. That has been very difficult.

The black and white of this is that this is a profession that I've chosen. As a Type B personality it suits me to a 'T.' I am afforded the privilege of having an immense amount of fun with a really hot physical twist while earning a living doing it. There is nothing I'm more suited for. I'm also an empathetic, engaged partner truly interested in who you are and focused on our dynamic together. I am this way with anything I do.

Having said that I am also very discreet. I don't contact anyone unless I am specifically asked to do that by way of mailing list or an email to me that asks for a response. I would never, nor have I ever,  initiated unwanted contact. I consider my integrity about this to be unimpeachable. 

I enjoy the occasional email from you, though, or text saying that I'm thought of. I love the little notes that show I'm on your radar and you think of me. I much prefer sexy notes to 'love' ones (we all know I am not ever going to move into the place of 'significant other' so we should avoid those). 

I want this to be a fantasy. I don't want to replace anyone, I don't want to intrude on your life. I want to be this happy, sexy place you come to when the world stresses you out, when you need to breathe in something sweet and sensual, when you want to get away from it all. And not to dampen all the hot talk about our bodies and what happens when they 'collide,' but there is a value to that. 

So, I suppose this is where I set the parameters of our relationship and then we go back to our incredibly, mutually beneficial relationship. Fun! 

I will explain this as delicately as possible: my time is incredibly important to me. I mean, really important. I understand how finite it is and I value it deeply. That being said, when I am not with you I will always have time for a short, sexy note back to you. Always. I will always respond to you in caring and interested ways within reason. I will text you and I will be available to you within reason. I will take your phone calls with advance notice and speak to you for short periods of time within reason. In return I must see you, spend time with you and maintain a relationship that is beneficial to me. While I love hearing from you this is still a relationship built on a certain agreement; we must always respect that. 

I, in return, respect you and your desire to be with me and that sometimes your attraction steps outside the bounds of the normal relationship that we have entered into, and it flatters me greatly. Thank you. I am so grateful for your time and attention, you make doing this so incredible. There is the unfortunate place, however, where I need reciprocation. I am sure you understand. 

I apologize to anyone I have offended. We have appreciated each other's company and have had so many good times; I don't want to negate that. I just need to be a little more aware of how much time I spend on myself from now on. I appreciate your understanding more that I can ever say.

Evolution

If there's one thing I'm very proud of in my life, it's that I've been able to evolve as a human in almost every way. Evolution, by its nature, is change, and change is hard. No doubt about that. And it's been hard for me every step of the way.

Who doesn't love the comfort of things familiar? I know I do. But clinging to the familiar to the exclusion of change and growth is limiting and self defeating and I refuse to allow that to happen in my life. 

And, so, with that out there I segue into my moving to Arizona. 

Some have seen the progression of my life and asked in wonderment why I feel the need to live many different places. I don't know that I have an answer. I don't think 12 states is that many especially considering I was part of a military relationship in my life and was condemned to moving some places. Other moves were done on a whim, but I have yet to regret one single move I've made. 

I suppose that doesn't really answer the 'why' of moving to Arizona so I'll expand on that. 

This all, of course, revolves around Vegas. It is exactly what you see: shiny, loud, carnival-like. But what you don't see is the seedy underbelly and the magnetic attraction it has to dysfunctional people. 

It can be, in isolated areas (Mt. Charleston, Red Rocks, Hot Springs, etc.) very beautiful and peaceful. Those are a few exceptions to the rule that Vegas is actually a throw-away spot. You come, get drunk, vomit on the sidewalks, lose your money and go home. There isn't a huge appreciation for what the city does have to offer away from the strip. And, truthfully, it doesn't offer much. For such an almost world-class city it has no museums, not much of historical significance (and the little it does have most don't care about), or anything that most cities as popular have. And, I'm here to live my life, not just exist in a mundane city careless about what it projects.

The fact that it's main draw is tourism should tell you what kind of people thrive here. Carny-like (see above), aimless, lost and never looking for anything more than what's right in front of their faces.

I'm not one to generalize, usually, I think smart people usually don't (yes, I was saying I'm smart), but Vegas is my exception. I've never met a bigger group of people more alike. Of course, the transiency of Vegas is a huge part of the problem. No one is actually from there (and the ones that are HATE the people who move there), there are no roots to cling to, there is no sense of community, it's like one big stage for Cops. 

So, I'm not those people, I don't intend to ever be someone that could stay in a place so unaware of its own ugliness that I become part of it. I will miss the friends I've made and the relationships I've formed, but not much else.

Arizona, however, offers me the comfort of family (very close family), the ability to watch a football game (you have no idea how much you miss it until you can't do it), museums and art, beauty and affordability. It's a classier Vegas (and Vegas seethes with envy over that fact) and the people are incredibly kind and accessible. I love that part the most. 

I also have a very close relationship there with someone I care about deeply, someone that I have a great future with and I'm excited to explore that. 

So, I'm sorry that I can't stay in Vegas, but not that sorry. I'm happy to be following my happiness once again. Phoenix seems a more permanent move as well. So, join me in saying good-bye to this phase of my life, and onto a different one. 

I'll see you in Phoenix!