Gut Wrenching

 June 10. I chose this day because it’s the birthday of someone that I love very much. I will never forget this day.

This morning I told Gatsby, my little love, my partner in crime, my travel buddy, good-bye. That I would love him forever. That he was the very best boy. That my life was so enriched by him and, now, so diminished without him. 

There are some people who don’t understand the love that exists between a person and their dog. My sympathies.

I will never apologize for how very much I loved him, still love him, and will forever love him. I am inconsolable. 

I am also beyond grateful that the universe bestowed upon me the great honor of being his person. In return for giving him the most soft life, he gave me more love, more  joy, more adoration than I ever deserved. 

His devotion to me was unparalleled. I have never felt from any human the limitless love that he gave me. My heart aches.

Gatsby, I will love you until my last breath. You will forever remain deep in my broken heart. Thank you for your ever-steady, never faltering, deep and meaningful  companionship, there are no words to say how very much I miss you. 

Forever and ever and ever, I love you.

Houston, Really?

So, I am from Texas. Everyone knows this, I’ve told everyone or they heard it somewhere, but I’m pretty sure everyone knows.

The reason that everyone knows this isn’t because I like telling people this, it’s because I’m compelled to tell people this. Mormons are indoctrinated, the GOP are indoctrinated, Texans are indoctrinated. We are indoctrinated with the idea that we are the best country in the whole world. Yes, I said country. Texas actually has a motto of, ‘It’s Like a Whole Other Country.’ The audacity of Texas never ceases to amaze me. And so, you all know I am from Texas.

I tell you all of this to say that I am back in Texas. It isn’t entirely against my will, but it certainly wasn’t my idea. And the reason that I told you the story above is to tell you that I never thought I would ever be here again. I would have sworn up and down on all that is holy that I would never come back to the state. And honestly, I have to say it’s still not my favorite place. But, here I am.

I will admit that having my family and friends close to me has been nice. It does keep me very busy and I feel a lot of love being back here. But let’s not take that admission as a sign of love of state. I do not love this state. 

Houston has changed a lot since I lived here last; many, many years ago. The traffic is worse, obviously more people, it looks like it needs a good dunk in bleach, but I do sometimes pass by a place that I’ve been to many times and feel an instant warm familiarity. But I still can’t wrap my arms around the city that I grew up in.

I miss New York City and the bright lights, the never ending movement, the culture and the energy. I miss Phoenix for the ethereal beauty of the mountains, the neat clean lines of neighborhoods that all look the same, the vastness of it. Those places absolutely feel like my home. 

But, here I am. In the vast metroplex of Houston, trying to find a place to nest, a place to fit into, a place to love. It’s difficult. I dream of packing everything in my car and driving somewhere else. Literally anywhere else. I think deep down inside of me I know that I can’t stay here. I don’t know why I can’t settle here, but I can’t. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, probably just to put it down so I can see it in stark relief. Maybe I just have a wanderer soul. Maybe growing up fundamentalist wasn’t my favorite part of my existence and this is where I grew up. I don’t know, I miss every other place that I’ve ever lived, ever been, it always seems so much better than here.

I am here, it isn’t possible anymore for me to pick a place, pack my home, shove it all in a U-Haul and drive to the next destination. So, I guess it’s Houston for the moment until the urge to run becomes too great.

Hi, Texas. Let’s call a truce.

UPDATE: I hate this state, no truces EVER. 

Drivers In America: A Breakdown By State

Alabama - Some of the nicest drivers I’ve ever shared a road with, but you’d think having Talladega in your state would mean ‘drive faster’ but I’m not from there so what do I know. 

Alaska - You think people who have to live with the winters that they have would be angry, but they’re actually pretty great.

Arizona - I’m not sure who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, but I’m going to because you suck as drivers.

Arkansas - there is something about southern drivers, they just know how to do it. But still, put some pedal in it, we got to go.

California - I don’t call what they do there ‘driving,’ I call that ‘vying for everyone else’s personal space.’ 

Colorado - How do y’all drive like that when y’all are high?

Connecticut - There’s no driving with that many cars on the road in that small a space. But y’all try. 

Delaware - Honestly, that state is so small that it mainly consists of a bridge with two lanes open usually. 

Florida - I get why y’all are always in the news.

Georgia - Southerners with a deep-seated hatred of driving fast in the FAST lane.

Hawaii - Who the fuck knows? It’s a Hawaii, you think I was watching drivers?

Idaho - I raced cars all the way from Boise to Pocatello. All one of them.

Illinois - I had a woman rear end me in traffic and actually try to run away. In traffic. That’s how bad the drivers are.

Indiana - Exactly what you expect from Midwest drivers. Slow and steady as she goes. In every lane. And fuck you if you don’t like it. 

Iowa – I have zero love for the state, but they kind of know how to drive otherwise I would travel 500 miles out of my way to avoid this place. It’s literally the only redeeming value it has.

Kansas – The drivers here would drive over your barely breathing body to get one car length ahead. THAT’S WHAT DEFIBRILLATORS ARE FOR. 

Kentucky – I don’t know, they’re fine. I wouldn’t give a shit about Kentucky if it weren’t for the Derby and mint juleps. 

Louisiana - Trucks all over the road and they don’t care who you are but you better get out of their way because they have 18 tires and you have four. If you get my meaning.

Maine - Who gives a shit? Have you tasted their lobster? 

Maryland – This place is just an extension of DC. Move out of the way before they attach themselves to your bumper. 

Massachusetts - You know. You know. They don’t even try to hide that they’re the worst drivers in the United States. They’re more proud of that than Harvard or MIT.

Michigan - Amazing drivers (I love you, Eminem). 

Minnesota - Pretty nice drivers. Probably so they can save their passive aggression for other occasions.

Mississippi – Definitely some of the nicest drivers I’ve ever driven with. Almost to a fault. Like, stop making the rest of the country look bad.

Missouri - See Kansas

Montana - I love any state that has roads without speed limits. Keep doing you, Montana.

Nebraska - I will never say a bad word about Nebraska. This place is perfection. The drivers are perfection. Everything is perfection.

Nevada - as you probably guessed this is one of the worst states to drive in. I mean, who goes home from the casino sober?

New Hampshire - Way too close to Massachusetts for there to be good drivers here.

New Jersey - I had to moderate my comments (fuck them is how i started). 

New Mexico - Decent drivers, probably because they don’t touch Nevada (I’m looking at you, Arizona). 

New York - OH JFC SERIOUSLY. Horn honking on a red light to get you to go. Enough said. 

North Carolina - You know these drivers wouldn’t get out of the fast lane going 65 in a 70 if there was 10 police cars with sirens escorting an ambulance with their closest relative in it. Eat their confederate flag, loser.  

North Dakota - Nice because no one lives here to drive here. 

Ohio - Super nice, love these guys. 

Oklahoma - Oh, yeehaw, get out of my way. I think they’re afraid if they go the speed limit they might lose control and end up in the middle of a bunch of cows. 

Oregon - It’s been awhile so I’m sure my opinion doesn’t count anymore. 

Pennsylvania – How do these drivers and Amish buggies co-exist? They suck. 

Rhode Island - Also too close to Mass to have good drivers. 

South Carolina - See North Carolina 

South Dakota - Uhm, fine. 

Tennessee - Holy shit. Where are y’all going so fast? And why are there so many of y’all??

Texas - I know y’all are gonna say I’m biased, but I swear I’m not. Texas has the nicest drivers I’ve ever driven with. Some of y’all could take lessons. 

REVISED: FUCK EVERY SINGLE DRIVER IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN STATE TIMES A GAZILLION WTF 

Utah - Really good drivers because, you know, god is watching.

Vermont - Really cool, nice, polite drivers. I don’t know how because you are also too close to Massachusetts. An anomaly.

Virginia – I hate these drivers. No one exists but them. Why are you in their way? Why are you honking at them? Why are you mad about their tailgating? Why can’t you just let them own the road? What is wrong with you? I could go on. 

Washington - Just a lot of people, doing a lot of driving, but pretty well considering.

West Virginia – Bless your hearts. Not great. Not Massachusetts either. 

Wisconsin - Pretty great, but I love any state with that much cheese in it. 

Wyoming - Once hydroplaned in Cheyenne and on a freeway full of cars and HUGE trucks. Escaped unscathed. Excellent drivers if I do say so myself. 

Hi, It's Me

Wow, it's been a whole year since I last made a blog post, that's terrible. I wish I had an excuse, but I just don't. Unless you count visiting eight countries, numerous cities, a huge move from one side of the country to the other and committing carnal sins along the way as an 'excuse.'

As I enter a new phase of 'Nikki Irish' I wanted to also bring you along on the journey. I'm revamping my website, getting new photos (which I loathe doing so much it keeps me rooted in place with a frozen mannequin look on my face) and just trying to make sure you can keep up with these manic changes going on if you want to. If not just use my current candid photos on Twitter to fuel your dirty fantasies, no judgement.

One of the things I hear most often is that people love how open I am. It helps them to get to know me and determine compatibility. Great! That is sort of the purpose (and also, who doesn't love to read their own witty words on a screen?), but I've been finding that when people say that and only spend an hour with me it's very hard to break through the ice and get to my warm, witty, adorable personality to be the person they see here (all modest and everything).

I have always loved hour encounters. I know some providers put them out there as a waste of time, but I think it's perspective. I love the idea of an illicit lunchtime quickie. The kind that leaves you ripping each other's clothes off and before you know it, putting them back on again. It can also be a slow, lazy encounter where the chatting melds into an easy nakedness that ends with a sigh and a promise to do it again soon. I just love the wantonness, or ease, of it. 

But to get to the deepest part of Nikki Irish (which, let's face it, is probably far too real) it takes time. You have to really invest to see the parts of me that make you laugh out loud, long to touch me, or feel like you know exactly who I am because you are that too. 

I'm only saying this because there is no quicker way to disappointment than rushing through and only skimming my surface (there, there, yes there...) hoping to feel deep intimacy. I just don't think that's what one hour provides by its nature.

So, send me a note about dinner or more extended time with me. We can flirt and ramp up tension, we can tell each other what we really want out of this and we can anticipate. Anticipation...mmmmmm. 

Or, come and have me for a fast lunch, or hot evening meeting to sate your most immediate desires. It's up to you, I'm just saying you're missing the best part of me, but you still won't be disappointed (I know, I'm working on being less modest).

Thank you for coming with me on this journey, I think we'll have fun. Look for new donation options regarding Skype meets, texting and phone calls and a few other sexy options for those of you who totally disregarded my dinner option (hee hee - guilt trip!). I look forward to connecting to you in any way that fills your needs. 

Let me add a redheaded dimension to your life, you'll start to see in technicolor.

Last Minute

I get it, I really do. We all have needs that need to be met right then.

We get an urge and we need to sate it. I get it.

But in the same way that my favorite indulgences can't always be consumed immediately (I'm looking at you Holey Cream), I'm afraid that I am not always able to indulge yours immediately, either.

As a matter of fact, my favorite ice cream place serving me when they're open is actually easy. I have a need for a donut with ice cream in the middle, they have a desire to give that to me based on the hours they clearly post. 

I, however, am not an ice cream store, a bar, or a favorite bodega. I'm a human who needs time to swing my mindset from 'I just woke up, ugh' to 'mmmmm...come in.' It's human nature, or at least my nature.

I also don't work on a timer. I am not set to open at one time and close at another. I work on my feelings and emotions of the moment. You making time to see me, 1) allows me to follow a set schedule (which I love), and 2) allows me to get into the sexiest of mind frames so I can be ready to meet you with unabashed need that you have allowed my mind and body time to prepare for.

I also don't want you to ever have a doubt that I don't spend my life in my bed, wearing sexy lingerie and waiting for the phone to ring. That could never be a life I lead. 

I go to the gym, ride my bike, wake up and have steel cut oatmeal with pomegranate on top while I bask in the beautiful fall weather coming to Arizona. I get my hair done, my nails done, I spray tan, I hike mountains and I drive places to clear my head. Me waiting on phone calls doesn't bring me peace of mind and so I don't make it a priority. 

If you want a true Nikki Irish Experience™ then I suggest you plan for it, then anticipate it and prepare for it. You'll need to. Also: take vitamins. 

Thank you for treating me like a warm, living, breathing human being who wants to meet you with all of the passion and fire I can bring forth. You will not be disappointed in the time you spent making time to meet me.

Hypocrisy

I read an article about Bree Olson (http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/bree-olson-untold-story/?fb=dd) and was so saddened by the treatment she's received since retiring as a former sex worker (porn star).  The mindset that exists that women who use their body to make money are worthless is so poisonous to women who choose this profession. 

I like to think I celebrate my sexuality, that I celebrate the freedom I have to do whatever I want with my body, to celebrate men, even. That I am here to do what I love while giving men who come to see me something of what they need. 

But the reality is that people see us as unworthy. 

I am fortunate. I know that my time here is finite so any time I could spend wondering what people think of me is used to live my life beautifully and fully without a single thought to the negative that surrounds my profession. 

I'm not saying there aren't drawbacks, there are. I rarely date, I can't proclaim to the world that I'm amazing and 'hey, look at my accomplishments' like I could in the corporate world because there is a world outside of my bubble that abhors sexuality on display. But I don't allow people to shame me. (I wrote about shame on another blog post)

To see that Bree has been ostracized is outrageous. I can tell you now, having the experiences I've had, that the people I see aren't people without morals. Quite the opposite, actually. I have met priests (of the most devout kind), men of the church, professed Christians, one of whom cut our meeting short when I confessed I was an atheist. That's how disconnected from reality the religious and condemning are. Yet we are the ones with broken moral compasses. It's incredibly disheartening.

Having said that, I, as a provider, have no thoughts about what you do in your personal life (never mind that the religious might have something to say about it.) I have no desire to pass judgement on anyone. And it has nothing to do with this profession. It has to do with living a compassionate, caring, positive life that wants the best for everyone no matter what. 

So when I hear of people condemning other people I want to rip open their lives and expose the dirty, seedy underbelly of it*. That part that exists in all of us. The part that 'god' will forgive someday which is usually the justification for the unsavory things they do*. Okay, so I'll pray the day I quit for forgiveness. (yeah, right)

These judgmental, condemning, inconsistent beliefs pointed at sex workers is so self righteous that I want to scream. Sitting in judgment of other people is such a disgusting thing to practice. Maybe if we all just cared about each other more, cared about letting people live their lives the way they want, maybe if we just cared more the world would be a better place to live. 

Now that I've finished my rant I will end this by saying that he who lives in a glass house should not throw stones. And those who do know who they are.

*that society deems so

Guidelines

I have to preface this post by saying that a majority of the people I see do NOT need this list. This is for those that do. 

Also, whatever I ask of you applies to me as well. 

1. Please be prompt. While I understand traffic in NYC is hell, you understand that, too. The excitement I feel at seeing you drops in proportion to the minutes you are late and that's not good for anyone. 

2. Please do not discuss anything related to donation/money with me. I don't even want to hear about your lotto win. (send me a ticket to Tahiti with you and we can discuss it then)

3. There will never in a million years be a time when I am not completely and totally rabid about my sexual health. Compromising that in any way will be grounds for me screaming at you and kicking you out. Embarrassing.

4. Please keep what is said in our meeting between us. You won't get an amazing amount of personal information out of me, but what you do get should be held in the strictest of confidence. The information you give me is not mine to share, I need you to feel the same way. No one likes a gossip. 

5. If you tell me personal information about someone else and I haven't been able to stop you from doing so? I will tell that person you did it and you will most likely fall out of their good graces. While it may be impressive to you that you are 'good friends' with someone in this business, that means keeping personal information about them to yourself. Or, you need to look up the term 'friendship' in the dictionary.

6. Please, for the love of all that is holy, be considerate of my time. I understand that it's very impersonal of me to ask this and I certainly don't bring the coldness this sounds like to our meeting, but my time is vitally important to me. I love my time, I love that I have reserved some of it for you, but it is still MINE. I will never do anything to misuse yours I would love that same respect. This means you being cognizant of my time. Especially when I mention that I need to get going and that doesn't make an alarm bell go off. Ahem.

7. Be aware of every one of the things I require in order to meet. That means cancellation policies, etc. Nothing I have written is arbitrary. It all has purpose and meaning. I wrote it because I meant it. That means if something happens that is out of your control and you can't meet? Cancellation policy is still in effect. I would love to be lenient about this, but the sad truth is that sometimes it's hard to know who is and who isn't being honest and I don't have time to debate it. And I usually have time to debate most things. Like how Trump made it this far, but I digress. 

8. Please look over my website. I didn't spend money and time and a lot of thought making this as succinct and informative as possible just for you to write me an email like the site doesn't even exist. That's also mind blowing, for the record. 

9. Please come to me fresh and clean and smelling pretty. There is nothing I appreciate more than a man who smells good. I mean, it seriously turns me on. Like the way not being clean turns me off. So, there's that. 

10. Please have fun with me, don't be nervous, be open, be prepared for pleasure. I won't cross lines of decency, but I will get right up to them. Please, though, do respect that I don't do some things. No matter how good you've been told you are at them. Ever. I am positive you are the consummate lover, but we are all made beautifully different. I will respect that about you if you will about me. And I will most definitely appreciate everything about you that turns me on, which is most things, except like gum chewing and GOSSIP. OMG.

Thank you for reading, you've been a sexy and captive audience. I hope that with these little guidelines we can continue on our journey of pleasure. Now get out. 

(Hee hee, just kidding)

European Musings

I woke up in my bed this morning and still can't believe that yesterday I was in Brussels eating the finest chocolate I've ever tasted in my life and today I woke up in another of the world's greatest cities, New York, my home.

Instead of feeling sad, I feel awash in gratitude that this is my life and it is beautiful. 

But, I really wanted to jot down observations of my trip to seven of the world's greatest countries, mostly for myself, but maybe you'll like them too.

(A disclaimer: these won't be in the order I visited these countries in, that would be as follows: Turkey, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Czech Republic, Switzerland, France)

To begin, the autobahn isn't what you think it is. It's really just a two (sometimes three) lane highway with no speed limit that runs throughout most of Germany. In Europe the left lane is the passing lane and no one stays in in for long. That would be great, except for the cars who drive slowly while passing making the autobahn almost useless for non-stop speeding. I WISH. I will say I did drive at 125 (or about 200 kmph) for a few minutes and it was awesome. I just wish I'd had something faster than a stupid BMW SUV. Boo. 

People in other countries do not hate Americans, they do not care what you wear and will never be rude. This was a concern of mine as I wanted to fit in and not stand out like a 'stupid American,' but my fears were completely unfounded. Everyone I met was incredibly kind and helpful. I didn't have one negative experience with anyone. My American/Southern accent either fascinated or bewildered them, but it never offended. 

Istanbul is very much a city that I felt the least affection for. The Grand Bazaar is really just like a huge flea market where very little is authentic. It was my greatest disappointment. The mosques and other sights were interesting and beautiful, but I was accosted regularly about buying something or seeing something, etc. I felt a little disrespected as a woman, but had an amazing conversation with my cab driver through our mutual translation programs. Too fun! 

Zurich was gorgeous, but I feel disconnected from it. I'm not sure why. It was beautiful, the people friendly and the city mesmerizing, but I just felt unattached to it. They even charged me 40€ for the pleasure of driving on their roads, maybe that was it. Very friendly people, so kind. I really enjoyed that.

I was warned against visiting Luxembourg, but went away. I wish I'd listened. It was described to me as a soul-less city and that's as accurate as I can describe. It seemed to lack warmth or any sort of vibrancy that the other cities had. It was very historical, the buildings were impressive and there seemed to be a lot of movement around the city, but it just felt blah to me. I won't return, but it was nice to say I've been.

I visited both Heidelberg and Munich on my trip to Germany. Heidelberg was so beautiful that it seemed like it was pulled from the pages of a fairy tale. It was just a stunning, stunning city. This, though, was one of the only countries where it was difficult to find English speakers. That made it harder, obviously, but not impossible. The food here was amazing and the hotel I stayed in was just indescribable. The castle was amazing and the river and bridges were just beautiful. It's hard to put into words how much I loved this city. It was perfection.

Munich on the other hand literally freaked me out. I drove in and the city was just crawling with people. I mean, EVERYWHERE. My sister reminded me that I lived in NYC and I reminded her that I didn't care, I was freaked out. I felt surrounded and just not happy here. The men are also incredibly forward and I felt completely unsafe. I wouldn't come back here even as kind of cool as it is. It was just too much. 

Prague. How do I even begin to describe how much I love the Czech Republic? I drove into the country from Germany on an overcast day and it felt exactly like I was driving into a Cold War country. I don't know how else to describe it. It wasn't that I was driving into an industrial city, it just felt that way. Just very cold and a little scary. To make matters worse I had a flat (not bad, I had BMW run-flat tires) and in a seemingly desolate area. I just took an exit and drove. I found a gas station but the air station wasn't working. I was beginning to freak out because these people seriously do not speak English on any level. 

I pulled out from the gas station drove about a mile, turned a corner and there was a tire shop! It was amazing (and confirms the super charmed life I live)! They at first said they couldn't fix it, but thanks to my translation program (and Peter's - my future ex-Czech husband) I told him I would cry and he got it all fixed. This was the first person I'd seen on my trip that I was seriously attracted to. He was kind and the hottest man I'd seen in Europe yet. It was everything I could do to not stab my other tires with a knife. He was gorgeous! If he'd spoken English I'm pretty sure we would have been in bed together that very night. Damn language barrier!

Moving on to my actual visit to Prague. 

This city defies explanation. There is nothing in my ability to use language effectively that can even come close to telling you about this magical city. It is beautiful, the people so incredibly welcoming and friendly and you can get whatever you need for next to nothing. It was by far the least expensive city I visited. I lived like a rock star here on pennies. Never mind that, the river, the bridge, the architecture, the people, the food, the shopping, everything was so perfect. I could have stayed here forever. It will always be one of my favorite places. 

Paris. What can you say about Paris that hasn't been said and isn't absolutely true? I liken it to a more fashionable, fun NYC. It reminded me completely of the city I live in, but with the amazing Eiffel Tower! Although, going up in it just reminded me of the ESB. Yikes. 

The food here was incredible! WOW! I loved eating in Europe and it will take about a month to lose all the carb weight (I'm looking at you pan au chocolate, croissants, french bread and butter!), but it was so hard not to! 

I also loved the people. My sister, a former Euro-living American, scared me senseless about the people, but she's just crazy. They didn't care what I wore, didn't care that I butchered their language with my remedial high school French pronunciations, that I had no idea what I was ordering when I ordered it. They accepted me as I was and it was incredible! I will never, ever forget the feeling I got of looking up and seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time, ever. It was amazing. It wasn't my favorite city, but I understand its power. 

I'm saving my favorites for last. 

Belgium. I loved, loved, loved Prague, but Ghent, Belgium stole my heart. This was a day trip to my regret because I could have stayed here for a week. This city brought me the most peace and the place where I felt just calm and centered. I just wandered and wandered and found the most beautiful churches, the friendliest people and I just felt so good here. It was magical. I don't have any experiences to speak of from here, it was just the whole feeling I got from being in this city. Just amazing. 

Ghent has to share my heart with Colmar, France. This was a place I decided on because it was halfway between Zurich, where I had been, and Brussels where I was going. The drive was too long so I needed to spend the night in between and as luck would have it, I chose Colmar. 

THIS was my first taste of France and it was, like Ghent, just beyond description. The people, the food, the churches and houses that looked like gingerbread lived in them, Little Venice and beyond just wowed me from the beginning. It was a city I regretted not staying longer in. I almost, almost did, but I'm glad I carried on because I got to see Paris and fall even more in love with France. If you ever get to that country visit Colmar, you won't be disappointed. 

This trip didn't start out as one of a lifetime. I really just wanted to revisit Europe, but it became something life changing. I felt empowered by choosing my own way, by navigating some of the most challenging places I'd been, I felt beautiful and free and independent and I now feel like I have some of the most incredible experiences to add to the already pretty incredible experiences I've had.

I love Europe and I'll go back soon. It was AMAZING!

25 Things

1. I can't sleep with covers over my head

2. I fear very little

3. I am surprisingly not clumsy, I rarely fall or trip

4. I have driven cross country four times by myself

5. I thrive on exploration of anything

6. I love to sleep abnormal amounts if I can get by with it

7. I'm actually much more athletic than I seem

8. I love to dance (club)

9. I can drive 12 hours at a time, if not more

10. I once drove the prettiest dark purple car; it's my favorite color

11. I have lived in 13 states

12. I love clean sheets. No, like, REALLY love them

13. I can cook almost any dessert 

14. I love John Denver and know all the words to his songs

15. I rarely watch television

16. I dislike any color but brown (or variation thereof) in my house (so weird!)

17. I feel most at peace on my road bike (bicycle)

18. I feel most powerful on my road bike or exercising

19. I speak sarcasm fluently (especially with my sister)

20. If you do not love animals we probably shouldn't be friends

21. I love outspoken people who tell me how they're feeling

22. I love the deep emotion that comes from loving someone (whomever)

23. I have made the best friends of my life in NYC

24. I live every day of my life for two certain people, I would die for them

25. I am most definitely a Libra (look it up)

Reputation

I don't get pissed off very often in this business; I find a lot of contentment here, but when it comes to questioning my character I get really upset.

I have worked very hard to maintain an excellent reputation. My reviews are evidence of that. I play fair and by the rules each and every time because this is, despite being incredibly fun, my work (I obviously use that term loosely) and I take it very seriously. 

So when I am confronted with a client that has gone over the line of decency and respect, I deal with that in ways that are clearly outlined. I have no desire to be vengeful, I don't live my life that way on any level. I'm a kind, giving person and most people appreciate that, but if you abuse that I will respond to that appropriately.

I have a 'blacklist' policy. I use it sparingly and for only the most egregious of offenses (as I say on my site). It is a necessary tool for women to keep us 1) safe, and 2) to stay notified of the worst of problem clients. 

Men have the same reporting standards. They have a board where they are free to tell other men about the bad experiences they've had. It seems a double standard to cry 'no fair' when the reverse is true. 

Once, I had a terrible client who abused my time and my intelligence. I can deal with insulting my intelligence, I have that to spare, but time is something that is invaluable to me. I blacklisted him because he absolutely deserved it and backlash followed. 

When you jump on the bandwagon of someone this has happened to you are saying that my reputation is not impeccable, that my words are lies and that I am untrustworthy. That I have not performed due diligence and made sure that this act was intentional, that I just throw around that penalty as though I am not conscientious about my actions. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

I'm sure you could say the same thing about the client and I will just repeat that I do everything possible to make sure that what I am hearing and reading is the truth. We all know when we hear the truth and when we don't. If there is ever a doubt in my mind at all I choose to err on the side of caution. I would never default to destroying a person's reputation I assure you.

So, if you have heard anything negative about me and a client just know that I have done everything possible to assure a positive, meaningful interaction. If it goes another way I will do everything I can to repair the damage or to mitigate it. I'm sorry if there is fallout from that, please be aware I never intend that. 

Now everyone who has been wasting my time can get back to the business of living their incredibly short life in the never-ending sunshine of Arizona. PLEASE. 

Thanks for reading.

New York City

There once was a time when I said I'd never go back to NYC. I was in love, having left to live in Vegas and enjoying the drastic change of scenery. I was also with someone that made leaving NYC easy. 

Now that he is gone, I've moved to Phoenix and am alone, I decided that since the opportunity arose that I'd take it. And so I head back to the city that never sleeps, the city that I once couldn't wait to leave in order to experience something different. I am going back into the middle of Manhattan.

To be perfectly honest, there is nothing I hate about Phoenix. I have really just enjoyed it here so much and I know I'll be back, but I think now is a good time to experience NYC once last time for a few years. Then I'll make my way back to this glorious place and stay forever. I'm sure it will welcome me with open arms. 

I'll miss a lot about it. The quiet, the wide open spaces, the way it's always beautiful and warm (mostly). The people are kind and generous, the city is just so livable. I just wanted to try NYC once more. That's all; no more, no less. 

Because I don't need to tour living in NYC, it means that all the cities I loved to visit while living here in Phoenix probably won't be visited again. I'll try, but it's so nice to always stay home and have a routine. 

So, Boston, Cleveland, Minneapolis, Atlanta, DC (maybe a little more in DC), etc. will be fondly remembered. I do love the cities, I just want to stay in one place and live every day there. I hope that's understandable.

So, on that note, I'm going to pack up my beautiful home in Phoenix and head East. I think it will be an incredible return. 

*I will be living in Midtown West (per usual) and I will be there February 1

The Giving Season

That title isn't hyperbole, you really did give this season. And give and give and give. 

If you could see my overflowing gratitude, the way my heart expanded, the joy I felt from your generosity, it would possibly overwhelm you. The good news is, I can tell you about that. How amazing I've seen the human spirit be, how gracious and lionhearted and unhesitating you were when I asked for your help. You gave heroically. (Nor is this hyperbole)

What you can't see was the hardened little girl who was so bitter at losing her mother to drugs, who was forced into a shelter and was so unhappy at her core because of that. You also missed the way her face lit up when I gave her the shoes she asked for, the ones you bought for her. The ones that glowed in the dark. You missed the moment she put them on and the way for a small moment that anger melted away and underneath the happy little girl she was meant to be came out. I'm sorry I couldn't capture that for you, it was divine. 

You also couldn't see the grateful faces at the outreach center who got new, warm blankets that you provided. How they got clean, new socks and toiletries to bring them closer to feeling human again. How those small things bring happiness. I wish I could bottle that up and give it to you in return for the gift you gave them. 

You missed the boys playing with new basketballs and girls coloring in beautiful new coloring books with brand new crayons and markers. How dedicated they were to painting their sun catchers and proclaiming they were going to hang it on the wall of their cubicals. How they painted and mixed colors and used their vivid childish imaginations to bring to life dogs and houses and Christmas trees. How they furrowed their brows as though that face would keep the color between the lines. They were children allowed to act like children without the environment reminding them that this wasn't the normal they should have. Your art supplies carried them away from the shelter if only for a couple of hours. I wish the picture that I've painted could show you the meaning you brought to them. 

With all your donations you restored some dignity, you've contributed to the betterment of people you don't even know, nor will ever meet, you've made lives richer. That's so commendable that I am strangely at a loss for words.

I argue against the idea that you can't help the poor, the unemployed, the homeless. That what you do isn't enough. What you did was enough, it was phenomenal. Thank you. 

(I'll also use this as a platform to extoll the virtues of volunteering: if you ever need a way to fill your heart and soul, give back. Give your time, give your money, give something of yourself. The appreciation you get back will expand your spirit and your consciousness and it will be euphoric. I promise.)

Again, I thank you from the bottom of my eternally grateful heart. I am in awe of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

'Tis the Season

Every year since I began doing this I've held pretty successful food drives at Christmas time. I also donated time and toiletries from my travels to Ronald McDonald House and I thought it was enough, I had done my part. 

I was wrong.

Recently I got involved in a very cool thing that involved charity as well as other things like sports, hobbies, etc. I signed up for a few things, but have traveled so much I hadn't really actively participated. That recently changed. 

I offered to be a part of a really important (I didn't know how important at the time) thing that has really changed my outlook. I think I've always had compassion for people, but if I were to be honest I'd say it wasn't to the level that caused me to go out and try to change circumstances. Well, I'm done with that way of living. 

I refuse to stand on the peripheral and look in at the suffering of the people that I share this earth with any longer. There is so much sadness and pain that could easily be alleviated by just giving a little bit. Listen, I'm not going to be nominated for sainthood anytime soon, but I know, I KNOW, that I can make a difference, even if it's minuscule to those who judge these things. 

So, having said that, I'm starting to offer incredible deductions for those who help me in this endeavor. This is an endeavor I could surely manage alone, but in seeing me I'll help us to help others and I'll be eternally grateful to you. 

I know that some that I see are travelers and I would be happy to take any donation you give me and buy needed supplies and email you a receipt. If you're near me I would love to have clothes, toys, art supplies, sporting equipment, etc. Nothing has to be new. There is so much appreciation for anything you can do. In return I'll make it so worth your while. Heh. 

Please join me in making this holiday season better for someone else who can't make it better for themselves. Then we'll share some joy together. 

Happy Holidays.

Travel

I just returned from Alaska and I'm so happy to be home. It's nice to be in the sunshine and warmth again.

While there I celebrated the fact that I have now visited all 50 states. While I'm very proud of that fact, I've traveled so much and for so long that it was just like, 'well, of course.' 

I understand what it means, I know that most people will never visit all of the states in our country, but this is how I was raised so I didn't treat it as a goal. As a matter of fact, it just sort of surprised me one day: 'Oh, I guess I just have Alaska to visit and I'll have seen all of the states' kind of thing. 

On my trip this summer with my nieces I visited eight states in a week's period. I really wanted to share the love of travel with them like it was shared with me. So, this is what I do, this is who I am. 

But let me tell you, the awe I feel when I see something beautiful never, ever changes. I cried when I saw the Grand Tetons (and will every time I see them, and have - this was my second time), I cried when I was standing in the Narrows of Zion, and I cried when I saw Denali (also known as Mt. McKinley to those outside of Alaska - I prefer its native name).

The beauty of nature never, ever ceases to amaze me. It is what propels me forward to the next great beautiful place in this world and it gives my life meaning. 

My father and grandmother were the greatest influences toward that. They both took me places, showed me things and taught me that the world was bigger than Texas (I'm so glad they did, Texas would have never taught me that). My father said 'go waitress in Hawaii, you'll make money and see gorgeous things' (and also, 'turn that TV off and read this book' - thanks, Papa, I did). My grandmother didn't say as much, she just took me to surrounding states and promised I'd never forget what I saw. She was right. She told me, 'whatever you do, go to Alaska, you won't regret it.' She was right again. 

Now the only thing I know is that I wish I had them both to share all this with. I know they would be so proud. 

I'm proud. I'm thrilled to be in an exclusive club that not many people belong to. Most importantly, I am continuing the legacy that my family before me started and can pass on to the family I have now. I hope they love exploring this beautiful world as much as I have. I'm going to try and make sure they do. 

Go travel, it opens your mind and soul. There isn't much like it that compares. I'll be going somewhere again soon, you can believe that!

Compatibility

I continually strive to give the people who want to see me a view of who I am. I have reviews, I tweet, I write in this blog; I really want you to see me as much as is allowed without crossing privacy boundaries (that's a totally different issue). 

I do this for a reason: the more you can see of me, the more you will know if our time together will be spectacular. It's nothing less than what I want for us so I use every tool at my disposal to help facilitate this. 

It would be very difficult for you, with all the information out there, to make an uninformed decision about whether I'm right for you or not. Yes, there is the chance that chemistry won't happen for one reason or another, but it won't be for lack of information. 

Having said all that, I'm sometimes baffled at people who come to see me who want the exact opposite of what I offer. 

I am a sensual, open minded, happy person. I strive to make a connection in the short time we're together. I want being with me to produce a shock to your system. A momentary respite from your regular world. i want to be memorable; I want us to be memorable. We never have to touch again, but while we are touching I want it to be electrifying. And I want it to feel like us being together is the most natural thing in the world. And I take care of that with my openness and warmness and my very welcoming invitation for you to come with me to my world for a little while. You will drop your guard with me very quickly. 

So when I meet someone who has difficulty relaxing, who wants the meeting to be guided by their own personal experiences instead of seeing this as a whole new one, who wants to keep a wedge between us, I internally bristle, but carry on. We are not compatible and I want to say that, but I hate not being able to at least give the person who thought enough of me to come see me some sort of experience. Even if it is a closed off, rigidly guided replication of every experience they've ever had before. I then feel required (I hate feeling required) to carry on. 

This is not a normal experience with me. I see you, I feel the vibe between us, I move in to feel you, to taste you. And, while I do direct most of the time, it's generally only in a direction I see that you're willing to go. I'm very flexible and easy to flow with. But I want it to flow. 

Please be mindful of the kind of experience you want to have using the abundance of information I have given you so that our experience together is amazing and memorable. I love achieving that with you. 

Gratitude

In general I'm a very grateful person. I appreciate things that people do for me and I generally try to reciprocate, but how do I do that when so many people made me feel so incredibly special?

I don't know, but I'll try.

I've been doing this thing I love for awhile now and I have seen generosity abound. I am so warmed by it. From food donations at Christmas to my favorite food bank, to gifts that took my breath away. This, though, this collective show of support has made me see this in a new light. 

Sometimes when you do this, because it can be so hard (rewarding is for another blog) that you lose faith in humanity (fake reviews, ahem, fear of LOTS of things, losing things you love, etc.) it can take a toll on your outlook. But then you all come together and you show me that I am okay, that I am important and that what I do is good then my heart overflows with such joy that words don't do it justice.

Thank you for the support. Thank you for seeing me as beautiful. Thank you for voting when it got tedious (I'm sure it did). Thank you for putting up with my begging. 

Most of all, thank you for all your hard work and effort to make me Ms. TER. The benefits have been incredible for me and I want you to know that I appreciate your involvement, your help, but most of all because you believed that I deserved it. 

Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Shame

This word, at this point in my life, evokes no emotion. I don't allow myself to feel it, to make others feel it, or to allow it to touch me or those around me. But, I was reminded today that some people don't care about the power that shame carries when you intentionally try to make someone feel it.

I got an email from a long lost friend and in that email he told me how he'd found me. That someone had sent him a nasty email about me. Someone that I'd trusted with information about me. And, really, if I am close to you, you will now everything about me. I am transparent and open in order to forge the kinds of relationships that I want and need in my life; the transparent and open kind, of course. 

This person said bad things, pointed him to my site, etc. all in order to shame me. 

First, in order to shame me I'd have to be embarrassed about the choice I've made to engage in this extracurricular activity. I'm not. Secondly, the person doing the shaming assumes that my values are the same as hers. Clearly they are not. 

In her misguided attempt to make me feel bad and embarrassed, and failing, she came across as petty, mean and spiteful (to me anyway), and I wondered what her motivation was. Sort of. I really wondered for a moment what she gained from it, I mean, she could stand on the highest point on earth and shout the transgressions she thinks I've committed over a loud speaker to every human being that lives and I still wouldn't feel shame, but why? I don't have an answer to that question, and quite frankly I'm happy I don't. Because to understand why would mean I understood her and I can live without that kind of knowledge.

So, after spending all of 20 seconds pondering the hatefulness of this person I went back to my glorious life and left the momentary pity I felt for someone so vengeful behind. She no longer has any presence in my life in any way.


I say all that to say that what I do is not shameful, I love what I do. What you do with me is far from shameful. I think the intoxication of lust and all its manifestations are incredible and life affirming. When I share myself with you it is beautiful and OKAY. There is no shame in beauty. There just isn't.

Life is so short, so finite. As long as I know this and remember it then I will live my life in the way that brings me the most pleasure, the most joy and the most fulfillment. And right now, it's this. 

Fine Line

There is such a fine line that I walk when it comes to my relationships with my friends in this business. On one hand I enjoy the company very much, on the other hand it's hard to say where to draw the line between my personal self and my professional self and it's beginning to be cause for reflection on what I want and need and what I'm able to give.

I am who you see. There is nothing fabricated about me except the 'Nikki Irish' persona, and even that is 99% authentic. I am Irish, etc. I try to stick as close to my authentic self as possible without giving away my personal information because authenticity is important to me. You won't ever see me staring off into space wondering what color I want my nails at my next manicure. I am present and I am real. 

The problem comes in when I don't draw the line between the fantasy we share and my real life. I am truly interested in my friend's lives. I do enjoy hearing from you and knowing you're thinking about me. But with some there is a paradigm shift that occurs that sometimes I feel helpless to prevent and this is where the 'fine line' comes into play.

That is because being Southern means that I'm a giver. We are, by our nature, nurturers. At least that's the way I was raised. I was taught that it's impolite to assert yourself or express your feelings. As much as I'm very proud of my heritage, sometimes it fails me. I am working on evolving every day (as expressed in the blog prior to this one) and trying to be my best self without compromising my oh so important client/provider relationships or myself in the process. That has been very difficult.

The black and white of this is that this is a profession that I've chosen. As a Type B personality it suits me to a 'T.' I am afforded the privilege of having an immense amount of fun with a really hot physical twist while earning a living doing it. There is nothing I'm more suited for. I'm also an empathetic, engaged partner truly interested in who you are and focused on our dynamic together. I am this way with anything I do.

Having said that I am also very discreet. I don't contact anyone unless I am specifically asked to do that by way of mailing list or an email to me that asks for a response. I would never, nor have I ever,  initiated unwanted contact. I consider my integrity about this to be unimpeachable. 

I enjoy the occasional email from you, though, or text saying that I'm thought of. I love the little notes that show I'm on your radar and you think of me. I much prefer sexy notes to 'love' ones (we all know I am not ever going to move into the place of 'significant other' so we should avoid those). 

I want this to be a fantasy. I don't want to replace anyone, I don't want to intrude on your life. I want to be this happy, sexy place you come to when the world stresses you out, when you need to breathe in something sweet and sensual, when you want to get away from it all. And not to dampen all the hot talk about our bodies and what happens when they 'collide,' but there is a value to that. 

So, I suppose this is where I set the parameters of our relationship and then we go back to our incredibly, mutually beneficial relationship. Fun! 

I will explain this as delicately as possible: my time is incredibly important to me. I mean, really important. I understand how finite it is and I value it deeply. That being said, when I am not with you I will always have time for a short, sexy note back to you. Always. I will always respond to you in caring and interested ways within reason. I will text you and I will be available to you within reason. I will take your phone calls with advance notice and speak to you for short periods of time within reason. In return I must see you, spend time with you and maintain a relationship that is beneficial to me. While I love hearing from you this is still a relationship built on a certain agreement; we must always respect that. 

I, in return, respect you and your desire to be with me and that sometimes your attraction steps outside the bounds of the normal relationship that we have entered into, and it flatters me greatly. Thank you. I am so grateful for your time and attention, you make doing this so incredible. There is the unfortunate place, however, where I need reciprocation. I am sure you understand. 

I apologize to anyone I have offended. We have appreciated each other's company and have had so many good times; I don't want to negate that. I just need to be a little more aware of how much time I spend on myself from now on. I appreciate your understanding more that I can ever say.

Evolution

If there's one thing I'm very proud of in my life, it's that I've been able to evolve as a human in almost every way. Evolution, by its nature, is change, and change is hard. No doubt about that. And it's been hard for me every step of the way.

Who doesn't love the comfort of things familiar? I know I do. But clinging to the familiar to the exclusion of change and growth is limiting and self defeating and I refuse to allow that to happen in my life. 

And, so, with that out there I segue into my moving to Arizona. 

Some have seen the progression of my life and asked in wonderment why I feel the need to live many different places. I don't know that I have an answer. I don't think 12 states is that many especially considering I was part of a military relationship in my life and was condemned to moving some places. Other moves were done on a whim, but I have yet to regret one single move I've made. 

I suppose that doesn't really answer the 'why' of moving to Arizona so I'll expand on that. 

This all, of course, revolves around Vegas. It is exactly what you see: shiny, loud, carnival-like. But what you don't see is the seedy underbelly and the magnetic attraction it has to dysfunctional people. 

It can be, in isolated areas (Mt. Charleston, Red Rocks, Hot Springs, etc.) very beautiful and peaceful. Those are a few exceptions to the rule that Vegas is actually a throw-away spot. You come, get drunk, vomit on the sidewalks, lose your money and go home. There isn't a huge appreciation for what the city does have to offer away from the strip. And, truthfully, it doesn't offer much. For such an almost world-class city it has no museums, not much of historical significance (and the little it does have most don't care about), or anything that most cities as popular have. And, I'm here to live my life, not just exist in a mundane city careless about what it projects.

The fact that it's main draw is tourism should tell you what kind of people thrive here. Carny-like (see above), aimless, lost and never looking for anything more than what's right in front of their faces.

I'm not one to generalize, usually, I think smart people usually don't (yes, I was saying I'm smart), but Vegas is my exception. I've never met a bigger group of people more alike. Of course, the transiency of Vegas is a huge part of the problem. No one is actually from there (and the ones that are HATE the people who move there), there are no roots to cling to, there is no sense of community, it's like one big stage for Cops. 

So, I'm not those people, I don't intend to ever be someone that could stay in a place so unaware of its own ugliness that I become part of it. I will miss the friends I've made and the relationships I've formed, but not much else.

Arizona, however, offers me the comfort of family (very close family), the ability to watch a football game (you have no idea how much you miss it until you can't do it), museums and art, beauty and affordability. It's a classier Vegas (and Vegas seethes with envy over that fact) and the people are incredibly kind and accessible. I love that part the most. 

I also have a very close relationship there with someone I care about deeply, someone that I have a great future with and I'm excited to explore that. 

So, I'm sorry that I can't stay in Vegas, but not that sorry. I'm happy to be following my happiness once again. Phoenix seems a more permanent move as well. So, join me in saying good-bye to this phase of my life, and onto a different one. 

I'll see you in Phoenix!

Rumor and Lies

I usually don't care to address rumors or lies, but this one was just believable enough that I had to address it.

So, some tool on TER decided that he'd make a list of all girls that were presumably 'pimped out.' He'd heard this from LE, supposedly, and wanted to share this erroneous information with all of TER. 

I don't really care who this person is, or what he does with his life, but this is getting a little ridiculous. First, no law enforcement officer is going to buddy up to some douchebag liar on TER and give him all this information. Secondly, what does being 'pimped out' have to do with anything? 

If I worked for an agency I'd let that agency do all my work for me. I wouldn't hide it. If someone else was calling all the shots I'd let THEM make all my appointments and answer all my phone calls and emails. 

As it stands, it's my job alone. I am an independent provider and have been since I started. I'm proud of the fact that I do this by myself. That I have become who I am through my own hard work. I don't even have a scheduler because I don't trust people to protect my reputation the way I do. Sometimes it would be easier to have someone do all this for me, but I refuse to give that control to anyone.

I am not offended that someone thought I was 'pimped out,' I'm offended that someone else gets any credit for my hard work. I do all of this, I project the image you see, I come to you of my own free will, I am my own person. 

There is a lot of good information on TER, I have used it to my benefit, and you to yours, for years, so I'm not bashing them. But, please, be careful about what you believe, it could hurt someone in some way and that's never good. 

Now, let's have some fun and stop spreading lies and untruths. The world has plenty of that without any help from TER.