Gut Wrenching

 June 10. I chose this day because it’s the birthday of someone that I love very much. I will never forget this day.

This morning I told Gatsby, my little love, my partner in crime, my travel buddy, good-bye. That I would love him forever. That he was the very best boy. That my life was so enriched by him and, now, so diminished without him. 

There are some people who don’t understand the love that exists between a person and their dog. My sympathies.

I will never apologize for how very much I loved him, still love him, and will forever love him. I am inconsolable. 

I am also beyond grateful that the universe bestowed upon me the great honor of being his person. In return for giving him the most soft life, he gave me more love, more  joy, more adoration than I ever deserved. 

His devotion to me was unparalleled. I have never felt from any human the limitless love that he gave me. My heart aches.

Gatsby, I will love you until my last breath. You will forever remain deep in my broken heart. Thank you for your ever-steady, never faltering, deep and meaningful  companionship, there are no words to say how very much I miss you. 

Forever and ever and ever, I love you.

Houston, Really?

So, I am from Texas. Everyone knows this, I’ve told everyone or they heard it somewhere, but I’m pretty sure everyone knows.

The reason that everyone knows this isn’t because I like telling people this, it’s because I’m compelled to tell people this. Mormons are indoctrinated, the GOP are indoctrinated, Texans are indoctrinated. We are indoctrinated with the idea that we are the best country in the whole world. Yes, I said country. Texas actually has a motto of, ‘It’s Like a Whole Other Country.’ The audacity of Texas never ceases to amaze me. And so, you all know I am from Texas.

I tell you all of this to say that I am back in Texas. It isn’t entirely against my will, but it certainly wasn’t my idea. And the reason that I told you the story above is to tell you that I never thought I would ever be here again. I would have sworn up and down on all that is holy that I would never come back to the state. And honestly, I have to say it’s still not my favorite place. But, here I am.

I will admit that having my family and friends close to me has been nice. It does keep me very busy and I feel a lot of love being back here. But let’s not take that admission as a sign of love of state. I do not love this state. 

Houston has changed a lot since I lived here last; many, many years ago. The traffic is worse, obviously more people, it looks like it needs a good dunk in bleach, but I do sometimes pass by a place that I’ve been to many times and feel an instant warm familiarity. But I still can’t wrap my arms around the city that I grew up in.

I miss New York City and the bright lights, the never ending movement, the culture and the energy. I miss Phoenix for the ethereal beauty of the mountains, the neat clean lines of neighborhoods that all look the same, the vastness of it. Those places absolutely feel like my home. 

But, here I am. In the vast metroplex of Houston, trying to find a place to nest, a place to fit into, a place to love. It’s difficult. I dream of packing everything in my car and driving somewhere else. Literally anywhere else. I think deep down inside of me I know that I can’t stay here. I don’t know why I can’t settle here, but I can’t. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, probably just to put it down so I can see it in stark relief. Maybe I just have a wanderer soul. Maybe growing up fundamentalist wasn’t my favorite part of my existence and this is where I grew up. I don’t know, I miss every other place that I’ve ever lived, ever been, it always seems so much better than here.

I am here, it isn’t possible anymore for me to pick a place, pack my home, shove it all in a U-Haul and drive to the next destination. So, I guess it’s Houston for the moment until the urge to run becomes too great.

Hi, Texas. Let’s call a truce.

UPDATE: I hate this state, no truces EVER. 

Drivers In America: A Breakdown By State

Alabama - Some of the nicest drivers I’ve ever shared a road with, but you’d think having Talladega in your state would mean ‘drive faster’ but I’m not from there so what do I know. 

Alaska - You think people who have to live with the winters that they have would be angry, but they’re actually pretty great.

Arizona - I’m not sure who hurt you, but it wasn’t me, but I’m going to because you suck as drivers.

Arkansas - there is something about southern drivers, they just know how to do it. But still, put some pedal in it, we got to go.

California - I don’t call what they do there ‘driving,’ I call that ‘vying for everyone else’s personal space.’ 

Colorado - How do y’all drive like that when y’all are high?

Connecticut - There’s no driving with that many cars on the road in that small a space. But y’all try. 

Delaware - Honestly, that state is so small that it mainly consists of a bridge with two lanes open usually. 

Florida - I get why y’all are always in the news.

Georgia - Southerners with a deep-seated hatred of driving fast in the FAST lane.

Hawaii - Who the fuck knows? It’s a Hawaii, you think I was watching drivers?

Idaho - I raced cars all the way from Boise to Pocatello. All one of them.

Illinois - I had a woman rear end me in traffic and actually try to run away. In traffic. That’s how bad the drivers are.

Indiana - Exactly what you expect from Midwest drivers. Slow and steady as she goes. In every lane. And fuck you if you don’t like it. 

Iowa – I have zero love for the state, but they kind of know how to drive otherwise I would travel 500 miles out of my way to avoid this place. It’s literally the only redeeming value it has.

Kansas – The drivers here would drive over your barely breathing body to get one car length ahead. THAT’S WHAT DEFIBRILLATORS ARE FOR. 

Kentucky – I don’t know, they’re fine. I wouldn’t give a shit about Kentucky if it weren’t for the Derby and mint juleps. 

Louisiana - Trucks all over the road and they don’t care who you are but you better get out of their way because they have 18 tires and you have four. If you get my meaning.

Maine - Who gives a shit? Have you tasted their lobster? 

Maryland – This place is just an extension of DC. Move out of the way before they attach themselves to your bumper. 

Massachusetts - You know. You know. They don’t even try to hide that they’re the worst drivers in the United States. They’re more proud of that than Harvard or MIT.

Michigan - Amazing drivers (I love you, Eminem). 

Minnesota - Pretty nice drivers. Probably so they can save their passive aggression for other occasions.

Mississippi – Definitely some of the nicest drivers I’ve ever driven with. Almost to a fault. Like, stop making the rest of the country look bad.

Missouri - See Kansas

Montana - I love any state that has roads without speed limits. Keep doing you, Montana.

Nebraska - I will never say a bad word about Nebraska. This place is perfection. The drivers are perfection. Everything is perfection.

Nevada - as you probably guessed this is one of the worst states to drive in. I mean, who goes home from the casino sober?

New Hampshire - Way too close to Massachusetts for there to be good drivers here.

New Jersey - I had to moderate my comments (fuck them is how i started). 

New Mexico - Decent drivers, probably because they don’t touch Nevada (I’m looking at you, Arizona). 

New York - OH JFC SERIOUSLY. Horn honking on a red light to get you to go. Enough said. 

North Carolina - You know these drivers wouldn’t get out of the fast lane going 65 in a 70 if there was 10 police cars with sirens escorting an ambulance with their closest relative in it. Eat their confederate flag, loser.  

North Dakota - Nice because no one lives here to drive here. 

Ohio - Super nice, love these guys. 

Oklahoma - Oh, yeehaw, get out of my way. I think they’re afraid if they go the speed limit they might lose control and end up in the middle of a bunch of cows. 

Oregon - It’s been awhile so I’m sure my opinion doesn’t count anymore. 

Pennsylvania – How do these drivers and Amish buggies co-exist? They suck. 

Rhode Island - Also too close to Mass to have good drivers. 

South Carolina - See North Carolina 

South Dakota - Uhm, fine. 

Tennessee - Holy shit. Where are y’all going so fast? And why are there so many of y’all??

Texas - I know y’all are gonna say I’m biased, but I swear I’m not. Texas has the nicest drivers I’ve ever driven with. Some of y’all could take lessons. 

REVISED: FUCK EVERY SINGLE DRIVER IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN STATE TIMES A GAZILLION WTF 

Utah - Really good drivers because, you know, god is watching.

Vermont - Really cool, nice, polite drivers. I don’t know how because you are also too close to Massachusetts. An anomaly.

Virginia – I hate these drivers. No one exists but them. Why are you in their way? Why are you honking at them? Why are you mad about their tailgating? Why can’t you just let them own the road? What is wrong with you? I could go on. 

Washington - Just a lot of people, doing a lot of driving, but pretty well considering.

West Virginia – Bless your hearts. Not great. Not Massachusetts either. 

Wisconsin - Pretty great, but I love any state with that much cheese in it. 

Wyoming - Once hydroplaned in Cheyenne and on a freeway full of cars and HUGE trucks. Escaped unscathed. Excellent drivers if I do say so myself. 

Hi, It's Me

Wow, it's been a whole year since I last made a blog post, that's terrible. I wish I had an excuse, but I just don't. Unless you count visiting eight countries, numerous cities, a huge move from one side of the country to the other and committing carnal sins along the way as an 'excuse.'

As I enter a new phase of 'Nikki Irish' I wanted to also bring you along on the journey. I'm revamping my website, getting new photos (which I loathe doing so much it keeps me rooted in place with a frozen mannequin look on my face) and just trying to make sure you can keep up with these manic changes going on if you want to. If not just use my current candid photos on Twitter to fuel your dirty fantasies, no judgement.

One of the things I hear most often is that people love how open I am. It helps them to get to know me and determine compatibility. Great! That is sort of the purpose (and also, who doesn't love to read their own witty words on a screen?), but I've been finding that when people say that and only spend an hour with me it's very hard to break through the ice and get to my warm, witty, adorable personality to be the person they see here (all modest and everything).

I have always loved hour encounters. I know some providers put them out there as a waste of time, but I think it's perspective. I love the idea of an illicit lunchtime quickie. The kind that leaves you ripping each other's clothes off and before you know it, putting them back on again. It can also be a slow, lazy encounter where the chatting melds into an easy nakedness that ends with a sigh and a promise to do it again soon. I just love the wantonness, or ease, of it. 

But to get to the deepest part of Nikki Irish (which, let's face it, is probably far too real) it takes time. You have to really invest to see the parts of me that make you laugh out loud, long to touch me, or feel like you know exactly who I am because you are that too. 

I'm only saying this because there is no quicker way to disappointment than rushing through and only skimming my surface (there, there, yes there...) hoping to feel deep intimacy. I just don't think that's what one hour provides by its nature.

So, send me a note about dinner or more extended time with me. We can flirt and ramp up tension, we can tell each other what we really want out of this and we can anticipate. Anticipation...mmmmmm. 

Or, come and have me for a fast lunch, or hot evening meeting to sate your most immediate desires. It's up to you, I'm just saying you're missing the best part of me, but you still won't be disappointed (I know, I'm working on being less modest).

Thank you for coming with me on this journey, I think we'll have fun. Look for new donation options regarding Skype meets, texting and phone calls and a few other sexy options for those of you who totally disregarded my dinner option (hee hee - guilt trip!). I look forward to connecting to you in any way that fills your needs. 

Let me add a redheaded dimension to your life, you'll start to see in technicolor.

Last Minute

I get it, I really do. We all have needs that need to be met right then.

We get an urge and we need to sate it. I get it.

But in the same way that my favorite indulgences can't always be consumed immediately (I'm looking at you Holey Cream), I'm afraid that I am not always able to indulge yours immediately, either.

As a matter of fact, my favorite ice cream place serving me when they're open is actually easy. I have a need for a donut with ice cream in the middle, they have a desire to give that to me based on the hours they clearly post. 

I, however, am not an ice cream store, a bar, or a favorite bodega. I'm a human who needs time to swing my mindset from 'I just woke up, ugh' to 'mmmmm...come in.' It's human nature, or at least my nature.

I also don't work on a timer. I am not set to open at one time and close at another. I work on my feelings and emotions of the moment. You making time to see me, 1) allows me to follow a set schedule (which I love), and 2) allows me to get into the sexiest of mind frames so I can be ready to meet you with unabashed need that you have allowed my mind and body time to prepare for.

I also don't want you to ever have a doubt that I don't spend my life in my bed, wearing sexy lingerie and waiting for the phone to ring. That could never be a life I lead. 

I go to the gym, ride my bike, wake up and have steel cut oatmeal with pomegranate on top while I bask in the beautiful fall weather coming to Arizona. I get my hair done, my nails done, I spray tan, I hike mountains and I drive places to clear my head. Me waiting on phone calls doesn't bring me peace of mind and so I don't make it a priority. 

If you want a true Nikki Irish Experience™ then I suggest you plan for it, then anticipate it and prepare for it. You'll need to. Also: take vitamins. 

Thank you for treating me like a warm, living, breathing human being who wants to meet you with all of the passion and fire I can bring forth. You will not be disappointed in the time you spent making time to meet me.

Hypocrisy

I read an article about Bree Olson (http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/bree-olson-untold-story/?fb=dd) and was so saddened by the treatment she's received since retiring as a former sex worker (porn star).  The mindset that exists that women who use their body to make money are worthless is so poisonous to women who choose this profession. 

I like to think I celebrate my sexuality, that I celebrate the freedom I have to do whatever I want with my body, to celebrate men, even. That I am here to do what I love while giving men who come to see me something of what they need. 

But the reality is that people see us as unworthy. 

I am fortunate. I know that my time here is finite so any time I could spend wondering what people think of me is used to live my life beautifully and fully without a single thought to the negative that surrounds my profession. 

I'm not saying there aren't drawbacks, there are. I rarely date, I can't proclaim to the world that I'm amazing and 'hey, look at my accomplishments' like I could in the corporate world because there is a world outside of my bubble that abhors sexuality on display. But I don't allow people to shame me. (I wrote about shame on another blog post)

To see that Bree has been ostracized is outrageous. I can tell you now, having the experiences I've had, that the people I see aren't people without morals. Quite the opposite, actually. I have met priests (of the most devout kind), men of the church, professed Christians, one of whom cut our meeting short when I confessed I was an atheist. That's how disconnected from reality the religious and condemning are. Yet we are the ones with broken moral compasses. It's incredibly disheartening.

Having said that, I, as a provider, have no thoughts about what you do in your personal life (never mind that the religious might have something to say about it.) I have no desire to pass judgement on anyone. And it has nothing to do with this profession. It has to do with living a compassionate, caring, positive life that wants the best for everyone no matter what. 

So when I hear of people condemning other people I want to rip open their lives and expose the dirty, seedy underbelly of it*. That part that exists in all of us. The part that 'god' will forgive someday which is usually the justification for the unsavory things they do*. Okay, so I'll pray the day I quit for forgiveness. (yeah, right)

These judgmental, condemning, inconsistent beliefs pointed at sex workers is so self righteous that I want to scream. Sitting in judgment of other people is such a disgusting thing to practice. Maybe if we all just cared about each other more, cared about letting people live their lives the way they want, maybe if we just cared more the world would be a better place to live. 

Now that I've finished my rant I will end this by saying that he who lives in a glass house should not throw stones. And those who do know who they are.

*that society deems so

Guidelines

I have to preface this post by saying that a majority of the people I see do NOT need this list. This is for those that do. 

Also, whatever I ask of you applies to me as well. 

1. Please be prompt. While I understand traffic in NYC is hell, you understand that, too. The excitement I feel at seeing you drops in proportion to the minutes you are late and that's not good for anyone. 

2. Please do not discuss anything related to donation/money with me. I don't even want to hear about your lotto win. (send me a ticket to Tahiti with you and we can discuss it then)

3. There will never in a million years be a time when I am not completely and totally rabid about my sexual health. Compromising that in any way will be grounds for me screaming at you and kicking you out. Embarrassing.

4. Please keep what is said in our meeting between us. You won't get an amazing amount of personal information out of me, but what you do get should be held in the strictest of confidence. The information you give me is not mine to share, I need you to feel the same way. No one likes a gossip. 

5. If you tell me personal information about someone else and I haven't been able to stop you from doing so? I will tell that person you did it and you will most likely fall out of their good graces. While it may be impressive to you that you are 'good friends' with someone in this business, that means keeping personal information about them to yourself. Or, you need to look up the term 'friendship' in the dictionary.

6. Please, for the love of all that is holy, be considerate of my time. I understand that it's very impersonal of me to ask this and I certainly don't bring the coldness this sounds like to our meeting, but my time is vitally important to me. I love my time, I love that I have reserved some of it for you, but it is still MINE. I will never do anything to misuse yours I would love that same respect. This means you being cognizant of my time. Especially when I mention that I need to get going and that doesn't make an alarm bell go off. Ahem.

7. Be aware of every one of the things I require in order to meet. That means cancellation policies, etc. Nothing I have written is arbitrary. It all has purpose and meaning. I wrote it because I meant it. That means if something happens that is out of your control and you can't meet? Cancellation policy is still in effect. I would love to be lenient about this, but the sad truth is that sometimes it's hard to know who is and who isn't being honest and I don't have time to debate it. And I usually have time to debate most things. Like how Trump made it this far, but I digress. 

8. Please look over my website. I didn't spend money and time and a lot of thought making this as succinct and informative as possible just for you to write me an email like the site doesn't even exist. That's also mind blowing, for the record. 

9. Please come to me fresh and clean and smelling pretty. There is nothing I appreciate more than a man who smells good. I mean, it seriously turns me on. Like the way not being clean turns me off. So, there's that. 

10. Please have fun with me, don't be nervous, be open, be prepared for pleasure. I won't cross lines of decency, but I will get right up to them. Please, though, do respect that I don't do some things. No matter how good you've been told you are at them. Ever. I am positive you are the consummate lover, but we are all made beautifully different. I will respect that about you if you will about me. And I will most definitely appreciate everything about you that turns me on, which is most things, except like gum chewing and GOSSIP. OMG.

Thank you for reading, you've been a sexy and captive audience. I hope that with these little guidelines we can continue on our journey of pleasure. Now get out. 

(Hee hee, just kidding)

European Musings

I woke up in my bed this morning and still can't believe that yesterday I was in Brussels eating the finest chocolate I've ever tasted in my life and today I woke up in another of the world's greatest cities, New York, my home.

Instead of feeling sad, I feel awash in gratitude that this is my life and it is beautiful. 

But, I really wanted to jot down observations of my trip to seven of the world's greatest countries, mostly for myself, but maybe you'll like them too.

(A disclaimer: these won't be in the order I visited these countries in, that would be as follows: Turkey, Belgium, Luxembourg, Germany, Czech Republic, Switzerland, France)

To begin, the autobahn isn't what you think it is. It's really just a two (sometimes three) lane highway with no speed limit that runs throughout most of Germany. In Europe the left lane is the passing lane and no one stays in in for long. That would be great, except for the cars who drive slowly while passing making the autobahn almost useless for non-stop speeding. I WISH. I will say I did drive at 125 (or about 200 kmph) for a few minutes and it was awesome. I just wish I'd had something faster than a stupid BMW SUV. Boo. 

People in other countries do not hate Americans, they do not care what you wear and will never be rude. This was a concern of mine as I wanted to fit in and not stand out like a 'stupid American,' but my fears were completely unfounded. Everyone I met was incredibly kind and helpful. I didn't have one negative experience with anyone. My American/Southern accent either fascinated or bewildered them, but it never offended. 

Istanbul is very much a city that I felt the least affection for. The Grand Bazaar is really just like a huge flea market where very little is authentic. It was my greatest disappointment. The mosques and other sights were interesting and beautiful, but I was accosted regularly about buying something or seeing something, etc. I felt a little disrespected as a woman, but had an amazing conversation with my cab driver through our mutual translation programs. Too fun! 

Zurich was gorgeous, but I feel disconnected from it. I'm not sure why. It was beautiful, the people friendly and the city mesmerizing, but I just felt unattached to it. They even charged me 40€ for the pleasure of driving on their roads, maybe that was it. Very friendly people, so kind. I really enjoyed that.

I was warned against visiting Luxembourg, but went away. I wish I'd listened. It was described to me as a soul-less city and that's as accurate as I can describe. It seemed to lack warmth or any sort of vibrancy that the other cities had. It was very historical, the buildings were impressive and there seemed to be a lot of movement around the city, but it just felt blah to me. I won't return, but it was nice to say I've been.

I visited both Heidelberg and Munich on my trip to Germany. Heidelberg was so beautiful that it seemed like it was pulled from the pages of a fairy tale. It was just a stunning, stunning city. This, though, was one of the only countries where it was difficult to find English speakers. That made it harder, obviously, but not impossible. The food here was amazing and the hotel I stayed in was just indescribable. The castle was amazing and the river and bridges were just beautiful. It's hard to put into words how much I loved this city. It was perfection.

Munich on the other hand literally freaked me out. I drove in and the city was just crawling with people. I mean, EVERYWHERE. My sister reminded me that I lived in NYC and I reminded her that I didn't care, I was freaked out. I felt surrounded and just not happy here. The men are also incredibly forward and I felt completely unsafe. I wouldn't come back here even as kind of cool as it is. It was just too much. 

Prague. How do I even begin to describe how much I love the Czech Republic? I drove into the country from Germany on an overcast day and it felt exactly like I was driving into a Cold War country. I don't know how else to describe it. It wasn't that I was driving into an industrial city, it just felt that way. Just very cold and a little scary. To make matters worse I had a flat (not bad, I had BMW run-flat tires) and in a seemingly desolate area. I just took an exit and drove. I found a gas station but the air station wasn't working. I was beginning to freak out because these people seriously do not speak English on any level. 

I pulled out from the gas station drove about a mile, turned a corner and there was a tire shop! It was amazing (and confirms the super charmed life I live)! They at first said they couldn't fix it, but thanks to my translation program (and Peter's - my future ex-Czech husband) I told him I would cry and he got it all fixed. This was the first person I'd seen on my trip that I was seriously attracted to. He was kind and the hottest man I'd seen in Europe yet. It was everything I could do to not stab my other tires with a knife. He was gorgeous! If he'd spoken English I'm pretty sure we would have been in bed together that very night. Damn language barrier!

Moving on to my actual visit to Prague. 

This city defies explanation. There is nothing in my ability to use language effectively that can even come close to telling you about this magical city. It is beautiful, the people so incredibly welcoming and friendly and you can get whatever you need for next to nothing. It was by far the least expensive city I visited. I lived like a rock star here on pennies. Never mind that, the river, the bridge, the architecture, the people, the food, the shopping, everything was so perfect. I could have stayed here forever. It will always be one of my favorite places. 

Paris. What can you say about Paris that hasn't been said and isn't absolutely true? I liken it to a more fashionable, fun NYC. It reminded me completely of the city I live in, but with the amazing Eiffel Tower! Although, going up in it just reminded me of the ESB. Yikes. 

The food here was incredible! WOW! I loved eating in Europe and it will take about a month to lose all the carb weight (I'm looking at you pan au chocolate, croissants, french bread and butter!), but it was so hard not to! 

I also loved the people. My sister, a former Euro-living American, scared me senseless about the people, but she's just crazy. They didn't care what I wore, didn't care that I butchered their language with my remedial high school French pronunciations, that I had no idea what I was ordering when I ordered it. They accepted me as I was and it was incredible! I will never, ever forget the feeling I got of looking up and seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time, ever. It was amazing. It wasn't my favorite city, but I understand its power. 

I'm saving my favorites for last. 

Belgium. I loved, loved, loved Prague, but Ghent, Belgium stole my heart. This was a day trip to my regret because I could have stayed here for a week. This city brought me the most peace and the place where I felt just calm and centered. I just wandered and wandered and found the most beautiful churches, the friendliest people and I just felt so good here. It was magical. I don't have any experiences to speak of from here, it was just the whole feeling I got from being in this city. Just amazing. 

Ghent has to share my heart with Colmar, France. This was a place I decided on because it was halfway between Zurich, where I had been, and Brussels where I was going. The drive was too long so I needed to spend the night in between and as luck would have it, I chose Colmar. 

THIS was my first taste of France and it was, like Ghent, just beyond description. The people, the food, the churches and houses that looked like gingerbread lived in them, Little Venice and beyond just wowed me from the beginning. It was a city I regretted not staying longer in. I almost, almost did, but I'm glad I carried on because I got to see Paris and fall even more in love with France. If you ever get to that country visit Colmar, you won't be disappointed. 

This trip didn't start out as one of a lifetime. I really just wanted to revisit Europe, but it became something life changing. I felt empowered by choosing my own way, by navigating some of the most challenging places I'd been, I felt beautiful and free and independent and I now feel like I have some of the most incredible experiences to add to the already pretty incredible experiences I've had.

I love Europe and I'll go back soon. It was AMAZING!